The Stones lied: Time's not on my side

Time is such a strange thing.

At the present moment, I am a part of Dr. Shark's life, but I most likely won't be in his future at all. While my own future is unknown in every possible way--Professional, romantic, even location-wise--His immediate future is pretty set. That's what having a baby does.

He did reveal to me a bit of his very sordid and twisted past. As young of a guy as he is, and as many "serious" relationships he claims to have been in, his magic number is admittedly high. He's done everything from sleeping with married women, pushing the boundaries of his heterosexuality, being the player of other couples' sick fantasies, and yes--He's even been in a threesome. I hope that doesn't come off as judgemental on my part, but the last one came as a surprise to me simply because he's expressed to me many times how a huge sexual fantasy of his is to have a three-way, especially with me.

I guess he meant he wants two hot ladies to be with simutaneously as opposed to being the guest star for another couple, but still! There were three people present, interacting with each other sexually, so that's a fucking threesome.

He says he's calmed down over the years because of his profession and just generally growing older. I have been his latest sexscapade but I'm surely not his last. I've realized that men don't change... won't change... And while he's great in many aspects, I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him. He defended his actions very rationally, saying that he likes to try new things and be adventurous just to know what it feels like, not to brag or boast about his conquests. Some things work out, other things don't. At least he can keep a mental checklist on what he likes and what he doesn't. I'm fine with all that since I've proven to be flexible (both literally and metaphorically!) and adventurous in the sack as well, but I guess my sensitivity with Dr. Shark has grown pretty high over the months.

Despite it all though, and despite his own concession that he's "not marriage material," I find myself still as in love with him as ever. I know that our futures will never line up and that knowledge is slowly breaking my heart, but I'm holding tight to our limited present. Time in general is precious, but time with Dr. Shark I am addicted to.

Full moon rounding the corner

I'm not even going to speak of the things I've been doing, am doing, and will be doing this week. If they had an award for Slut of the Week--guess what--I'd be top dog for that.

I blame the moon. It gets all the creeps a-crawling... and what's a horny, single girl to do? ;)

(No need for concern. I always keep things safe and clean, and plenty hydrated. haha)

Oopsie daisy

I did the nasty with Dr. Shark last night.

Bad, Mizkay. Very very bad. (Deets to follow. And like y'all weren't expecting it after my last post! If you've been reading this blog at all, you should know that I'm not the brightest crayon in the box. haha)

Transition...

I feel like I'm constantly torn between two ideas, circumstances, or viewpoints. The big picture is: I need to distract myself from thinking about him or re-playing our past or fantasizing about a hopeless nonexistent future because all these things are harmful to me. I finally understand it well enough that thoughts of our future have pretty much ceased (perhaps that's the closest to "closure" that I've ever gotten), but that doesn't stop me from remembering our good times and him being present in my thoughts in the simple "Wonder what he's up to" ways.

Even the last time that I saw him a few days ago, when I forced him to drive all the way to my house just so I could see his face while we talked about serious things (since there's only so much you can gather from a phone conversation), I can file away as a "good time." It would be so much easier to move on, get over him, if he were just a fucking jerk like, well, J(erk)! But, alas, Dr. Shark is not a jerk.

He was patient, understanding, and a good listener like he's always been. But he remained firm in his opinions of himself and romantic relationships in that he just didn't want and can't handle them. He didn't see what was happening between us at that moment as a break up like I did... He saw it as a natural transition into friendship since that's all it could be, unless I wanted to cut off communication completely (to which he said he would understand).

Seeing his face while hearing his words made me finally get it. He's one of those unattainable guys that girls like me will always long for... but I can no longer allow myself to fall vulnerable to it.

While he was on his way to my house (takes about an hour and a half driving time), I paced back and forth, solidifying my convictions. I was going to get all the answers about his ex-girlfriend and his future baby that I needed to help me move on. I was going to drain every ounce of his thoughts on why he didn't see us making it as a couple. I was going to punish him by letting him see how much he hurt me by even coming into my life and now trying to leave it as if nothing had happened.

I was so convinced that I could accomplish all this...

...Until he walked in my door and immediately wrapped me in his long, solid arms. "I'm sorry I was so grumpy with you," he mumbled into my hair as my face pressed up against his chest.

Goddamnhim.

I couldn't stop shaking after that. I expected him to be short with me and only give monosyllabic answers to my questions... Basically, I imagined the evening to resemble an interrogation room. But for the first half hour or so, he had to try to get me to talk while I fought back the tears that I swore I wouldn't show him. He spoke to me like he would to an injured animal (which I imagine he has experience of since he's single-handedly rescued and brought two abandoned kittens to the glorious lives they both currently have with him, so sexy), and offered gentle and kind words of not so gentle and kind ideas.

Maybe he saw that there was no way to get me to open up at that moment because I was so terrified and confused, so he reached over and embraced me on the couch. We sat there for a moment and I didn't want--no, couldn't--let him go. He pulled away slightly so we could see each other's faces... and then I slid my hand behind his neck and pulled him in to kiss me.

There was no reluctance or hesitation from either of us. The millisecond his lips reached mine we hungrily went for it. Thinking back, he probably wanted it too... if anything, to at least break the tension. But he wouldn't have made the first move in fear of hurting me anymore. Goddamnhim and his niceness. There was one point before the actual sex that he breathily asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this, and I replied by unzipping his pants.

Needless to say, it was the most intense sex of my life. We've always had really, really great sex, but this night and many of them leading up to it was so tense and emotional that there wasn't any possible way that it wouldn't be crazy.

We were able to relax and have good, friendly conversation after tha (about not so good or friendly things), and we even cooked breakfast-for-dinner together. It was reminiscent of our first "date" when I also cooked chocolate chip pancakes for him, although that time was for actual breakfast. If decades from now he can only remember two things about me, I hope that he remembers how good I was in both the bedroom and the kitchen! I kind of take pride in my ability in both.

When he finally had to leave, he kissed me on the lips and told me that this wasn't goodbye. We didn't really establish what would happen... although I know that romantic, emotional attachment to him is now useless, so I feel that that evening accomplished what I needed. Maybe we can remain friends, maybe we can't. But it's not something that we can consciously decide to do in one night. These things take time.

So, back to what I was saying at the beginning of this post, I need distractions. I'm joining some fitness classes and hanging out with friends more, but I feel that that's not enough. But is it safe or smart to try to start dating again so soon? That might be giving any future suitors the shit end of the stick...

Must not confuse lust for love.

No need to fear, Internetties: I didn't become a Dr. Shark killer in the last couple of days. He actually came through and we had a jolly good time the other night, as limited as it was (we had like four hours together, which included two hours driving together). It was about enough time to have an intense sex session followed by some wonderful pillow talk/cuddling.

I use the phrase "enough time" loosely as it certainly wasn't actually enough to make me feel completely satisfied... but it's all he could give me before making the trek home.

He's the first guy with whom I actually want to spend all my moments, and that scares the bejesus out of me. Is it just my biological clock telling me to prepare myself for the eventual natural cycle of wifehood and motherdom, or is it him as a person that makes me want to begin that next phase of my life? Either reasoning is frightening since I feel like I'm still so young and not yet wise enough to get into all that, but if I had to choose either or... I choose the first option.

Because no matter how I feel or how I sometimes delude myself into thinking he feels too, Dr. Shark is abso-FUCKING-lutely not ready--not wanting--not thinking about any of that, even and especially with me.

Rege and I have plans to hang out tomorrow.

Smile!...Just for the camera?

Brand spankin' new pictures were just posted to Facebook of Rege and his new girlfriend. He was showing off his pearly whites, she was smiling widely in a cute, bohemian halter top... He had his arm slung across the back of her chair but they didn't appear to be touching... In fact, there was an inordinate amount of space between the two of them who were sitting together at a fancy restaurant.

Even if I didn't know anything about either of them, I think I would question the authenticity of their relationship anyway. Because other than the fact that they're two attractive people who in terms of physicality look to be the perfect, cookie cutter pair, are they really on the same page? They both happen to be best friends with the same chick (whose camera captured the couple at her birthday dinner), which makes things complicated. The way he made it seem to me the last time we talked was that the girlfriend wasn't all that he thought was cracked up to be... But what's he supposed to do now? He's shit and fucked in his comfort zone--in his favorite social circle. If he doesn't see it through, he can be branded a douche and asshole and could possibly lose those closest to him. But if he continues the charade, he could be miserable.

Did I mention that he sought me out for some fun the other night? And oh what fun we had...

I'd seen him the week before, just to hang out and catch up. The week following consisted of flirty, dirty texts almost everyday, and I knew that I had to see him again. The few times we had hooked up in the past were amazing and full of pulsating orgasms--A first for me with a guy. And when he suddenly cut me off from the climax wagon to start things up with Barbie Girl, I certainly felt a little more than just bitter about it. It's like, I know it wasn't just me who thought the sex was incredible, so why was he not wanting or seeking it anymore?

Eh, I guess (some) guys do want more than just sex with a woman.

Anyway, despite him being with her and me semi-being with Dr. Shark, we met up for one night. Unlike with Ace though, I didn't feel guilty or regret with Rege. We began the night as friends, evolved temporarily to lovahs, and then parted the night as friends again. I honestly don't know if we'll engage in extra-curricular activities again or how I would feel about it if we do... but it's fun to think about sometimes.

This brings me back around to the question as to why is Rege dating this girl that he doesn't get everything he wants from. He loves sex with me and he likes hanging out with me--He's told me this multiple times. So why didn't he try to date me when he had the chance? Is it because I'm not blonde and blue-eyed like Barbie? Does he somehow ignorantly believe that I wouldn't fit in well with his life? Without any evidence or real direction I could only speculate... but I'm leaning towards that; and if that's the case, then maybe I shouldn't mess around with a guy like that anyway.

The-Day-After Analysis.

I've had an entire day to wonder about my actions with Ace yesterday. What's done is done and there's not a damn thing I can do to change it, so I didn't laboriously suffer with guilt or regret for too long. I just wanted to get to the bottom of my decision to actually say yes to him coming over after all these months of rejecting him.

When I texted him an a-okay to hang out after work, I was in the mindset that there actually might have been even the tiniest glimmer of hope that he was telling the truth; he had been trying to convince me to let him come over by saying that he wanted "to talk about us" and he "missed me" and even though he's been afraid to commit that he "really likes me a lot." I didn't feel the same way, which is surprising for me, but sometimes a girl likes to hear shit like that... even from a guy she doesn't see as worthy and especially when she's been feeling lonely and neglected.

Dr. Shark has been too preoccupied with work and wanting to be a loner to call or text me much this week, and when he has it's been half-assed and unemotional.

I don't condone what I've done. Technically I'm available to see whomever I please and to my knowledge so is Ace (although honestly I don't know much about him nor do I care to know), but in my heart I feel like I've done something wrong. There's no way I can tell Dr. Shark about it... Even though he wouldn't be able to justifiably "dump" me for that, I'm sure hurt feelings cannot be avoided.

And I'm terrified that those hurt feelings would be enough to alter my universe entirely.

I'm so angry at Ace for putting me in this situation and I know that even he feels that it wasn't right. Afterwards, he saw me blankly staring at the ceiling above my bed and he asked what was going through my mind. I must've looked really conflicted for a guy like that to want to know my inner thoughts!

Me: I don't know. I guess I'm feeling a little guilty.
Ace: Oh, because of your guy? There's no reason to feel guilty. Guilt's a stupid feeling.
Me: So you never feel guilty?
Ace: Sure, I do. Right now I feel guilty because I feel like I talked you into doing something you didn't want to do.

Gee, thanks. Thanks for acknowledging the fact that you went into this knowing that you'd basically be twisting my arm!

I can't blame him completely though. While the surface of my brain thought that we'd just chill and talk and catch up after all these months, a couple layers into this twisted mind and you'd find a girl who consciously jumps into the shower half an hour before his arrival to shave her legs and freshen her body. On this level she knew that he'd try to pull a move and she at least wanted to be prepared and presentable.

I never want to see Ace again.

On another note... Haven't heard from Dr. Shark in a couple of days and I'll be damned if I text or call first. Last week he mentioned maybe trying to hang out again before I leave the country for a couple of weeks, but there's less than a week for that to happen.

His birthday is in a few days and I ache to celebrate it with him. But all I can do is drop a humorous, casual card in the mail tomorrow so maybe it'll be delivered the day of. Even with our distance, both literal and this week's lack of communication, I want him to know that I care deeply for and about him but I want to appear that I'm still that cool, sexy chick that he met months ago. My biggest flaw is my tendency to need more than average attention... but I'm trying to fix that!

Virgin post of a devilette.

This was the first and only time that I actually didn't enjoy sex.

I may be a good sweet baby angel in my day-to-day life, but I'm also a girl who secretly almost constantly likes to get bad and freaky behind (semi)closed doors.

...but tonight was different.

Let's call him Ace. He's hot and I've slept with him before, and we've always had good times in bed (and on the couch, the floor, the chair..). But I met him when I was beginning my sex-volution many months ago after a bad break-up, and neither of us were looking for a committed thing, so I moved on and I'm sure he did too. We hooked up a few times and over time he's called and texted trying to allow visitation again, but I've said no the past couple of months. I've had other NSAships but he was a little different than the others--a little dirtier, a little grimier. Dirty can be good...but it can also leave you feeling disoriented, and in my case, soulfully empty.

Additionally, I've been falling for someone else since early summer. Someone that I could really give my all to, full body, full heart, full soul.

So I guess it shouldn't be a huge surprise that I burst into tears of guilt, and maybe a little shame, after he left with an arrogant smirk and wink. I then proceeded to trip down the stairs through my hot, self-loathing tears, which just added physical pain to the already metaphysical kind. What have I done? What the fuck have I done?


And thus begins my existential blogging journey.
Welcome to my life, Internetties.