I've had an entire day to wonder about my actions with Ace yesterday. What's done is done and there's not a damn thing I can do to change it, so I didn't laboriously suffer with guilt or regret for too long. I just wanted to get to the bottom of my decision to actually say yes to him coming over after all these months of rejecting him.
When I texted him an a-okay to hang out after work, I was in the mindset that there actually might have been even the tiniest glimmer of hope that he was telling the truth; he had been trying to convince me to let him come over by saying that he wanted "to talk about us" and he "missed me" and even though he's been afraid to commit that he "really likes me a lot." I didn't feel the same way, which is surprising for me, but sometimes a girl likes to hear shit like that... even from a guy she doesn't see as worthy and especially when she's been feeling lonely and neglected.
Dr. Shark has been too preoccupied with work and wanting to be a loner to call or text me much this week, and when he has it's been half-assed and unemotional.
I don't condone what I've done. Technically I'm available to see whomever I please and to my knowledge so is Ace (although honestly I don't know much about him nor do I care to know), but in my heart I feel like I've done something wrong. There's no way I can tell Dr. Shark about it... Even though he wouldn't be able to justifiably "dump" me for that, I'm sure hurt feelings cannot be avoided.
And I'm terrified that those hurt feelings would be enough to alter my universe entirely.
I'm so angry at Ace for putting me in this situation and I know that even he feels that it wasn't right. Afterwards, he saw me blankly staring at the ceiling above my bed and he asked what was going through my mind. I must've looked really conflicted for a guy like that to want to know my inner thoughts!
Me: I don't know. I guess I'm feeling a little guilty.
Ace: Oh, because of your guy? There's no reason to feel guilty. Guilt's a stupid feeling.
Me: So you never feel guilty?
Ace: Sure, I do. Right now I feel guilty because I feel like I talked you into doing something you didn't want to do.
Gee, thanks. Thanks for acknowledging the fact that you went into this knowing that you'd basically be twisting my arm!
I can't blame him completely though. While the surface of my brain thought that we'd just chill and talk and catch up after all these months, a couple layers into this twisted mind and you'd find a girl who consciously jumps into the shower half an hour before his arrival to shave her legs and freshen her body. On this level she knew that he'd try to pull a move and she at least wanted to be prepared and presentable.
I never want to see Ace again.
On another note... Haven't heard from Dr. Shark in a couple of days and I'll be damned if I text or call first. Last week he mentioned maybe trying to hang out again before I leave the country for a couple of weeks, but there's less than a week for that to happen.
His birthday is in a few days and I ache to celebrate it with him. But all I can do is drop a humorous, casual card in the mail tomorrow so maybe it'll be delivered the day of. Even with our distance, both literal and this week's lack of communication, I want him to know that I care deeply for and about him but I want to appear that I'm still that cool, sexy chick that he met months ago. My biggest flaw is my tendency to need more than average attention... but I'm trying to fix that!
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