And the claws are out

Today, I woke up angry.

So inexplicably and overwhelmingly angry--in a tornado of rage, if you will--at the man that made me fall in love with him and is now gone, awaiting the birth of his future kid with his ex-girlfriend. He's supposed to be smart... How could he let something so stupid happen?

I know it's pointless to be angry and even more pointless to hate everything baby-related including babies themselves, so I've made myself not think about it if I can help it. But if you wake up in this manner, there's not much you can do about it. I did everything I could to distract myself from misery and enjoyed the autumn day with friends, but the anger and despair were just too potent. So while there was a smile on my face, I was dying on the inside from a painful migraine.

I never get migraines so I felt like a whiny little wimp, but I think it's finally starting to wane. Does that mean the rage is dissipating as well? Probably not. I haven't heard from him in over a week, not since he left my house after fucking me... Maybe he'll finally be forever gone now.

Sad girl day.

Do you ever wonder how some people seem to be able to get over things much more quickly than you? Or you see some nightmarish horror movie of a real-life human story on the news and you think, "Oh sweet Moses, I for sure would not be able to survive that"? Or you read other ordinary people blogs and long to be as strong-willed, thick-skinned, and confident as those bloggers supposedly are?

I find myself constantly wondering why people act the way that they do, or simply are the way that they are, especially if certain actions or characteristics are evil or cruel in my eyes. Like, seriously wondering to the point where I end up bursting into tears because there are blind albino children trying to survive in straw huts throughout drought-riddled Africa. (Translation: I think a lot so naturally my neurons can run into tangents.)

Society offers up a bajillion different reasons, so pick your favorite:
...Oh, that's human nature.
...She had a terrible childhood so it's only natural.
...He can't help it; he's a guy.
...Just accept it because there's just no explanation.
...Men and women are just wired differently.
...He only thinks with his penis.

Directly related to me though, I've heard that I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm too trusting, I'm so open to love, I only want to see the good in people, I'm blinded by my optimism... (This blog probably doesn't properly express these said traits!) Whatever the bullshit reason, my only conclusion is this: I'm weak.

I let the little things get to me and hurt my feelings. Like, really hurt. Let downs and disappointments feel like the end of my world, at least until the next day (give me some credit: I'm not down consistently enough to be studied and drugged with anti-depressants!). Fortunately, I'm realistic enough to realize that there's not much I can do to change this. Unfortunately, that fucking sucks.

I tried thickening the walls of my heart and skin by engaging in casual sex, but look where that's led me. I know that casual sex exists in the world and I'm envious of people who can do it, but I now know that I'm just not cut out for it. Weakness, oversensitivity, damaged, whatever it is.... I'm not cut out for it.

Days like this make me grateful for not living with a roommate anymore so I can eat cold hot dogs out of the package and a pint of ice cream to no judgement or concern at all. At least I have that in my life!