Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Sad girl day.

Do you ever wonder how some people seem to be able to get over things much more quickly than you? Or you see some nightmarish horror movie of a real-life human story on the news and you think, "Oh sweet Moses, I for sure would not be able to survive that"? Or you read other ordinary people blogs and long to be as strong-willed, thick-skinned, and confident as those bloggers supposedly are?

I find myself constantly wondering why people act the way that they do, or simply are the way that they are, especially if certain actions or characteristics are evil or cruel in my eyes. Like, seriously wondering to the point where I end up bursting into tears because there are blind albino children trying to survive in straw huts throughout drought-riddled Africa. (Translation: I think a lot so naturally my neurons can run into tangents.)

Society offers up a bajillion different reasons, so pick your favorite:
...Oh, that's human nature.
...She had a terrible childhood so it's only natural.
...He can't help it; he's a guy.
...Just accept it because there's just no explanation.
...Men and women are just wired differently.
...He only thinks with his penis.

Directly related to me though, I've heard that I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm too trusting, I'm so open to love, I only want to see the good in people, I'm blinded by my optimism... (This blog probably doesn't properly express these said traits!) Whatever the bullshit reason, my only conclusion is this: I'm weak.

I let the little things get to me and hurt my feelings. Like, really hurt. Let downs and disappointments feel like the end of my world, at least until the next day (give me some credit: I'm not down consistently enough to be studied and drugged with anti-depressants!). Fortunately, I'm realistic enough to realize that there's not much I can do to change this. Unfortunately, that fucking sucks.

I tried thickening the walls of my heart and skin by engaging in casual sex, but look where that's led me. I know that casual sex exists in the world and I'm envious of people who can do it, but I now know that I'm just not cut out for it. Weakness, oversensitivity, damaged, whatever it is.... I'm not cut out for it.

Days like this make me grateful for not living with a roommate anymore so I can eat cold hot dogs out of the package and a pint of ice cream to no judgement or concern at all. At least I have that in my life!


  1. Days like this make me want to eat my feelings. I find that fried feelings or chocolate ones always help.

    Hope things pick up.

  2. You are NOT weak! I've been where you are, I used to think that sex could fill the void I felt, but it just created an even bigger one.

    I think that admitting you are open to love and wear your heart on your sleeve takes balls. You have to just accept that's in your nature - you sometimes just can't change the way you are wired. I feel the same way a lot, but I constantly fight it. I've accepted the way that I am wired and my every day battle is to just rise about the hurt, the pain, the disappointments and all the negativity. It sucks to go through it - it will happen no matter what. What we need to learn is to better deal with it all.

    So chin up--you're fabulous and there is no need to be sad! Best piece of advice I ever got: "Follow your heart, but don't forget to take your brain with you!"