Weight lifted

Rege and I had our last ever conversation last night.

In a way, I felt a little bad about it since rejection never feels good. But in another way, I'm glad. Super glad even.

I'm the type of person who needs an ending, a conclusion, a closure. And I finally got it from him. Even if he wasn't a constant presence in my life like Dr. Shark and I certainly didn't feel for him in more ways than sexually, there were always days where I'd wonder about him and be curious if he was wondering about me too. But now that I know... I know.

Surprisingly for me, I'm not sad about him leaving my life. The idea of him hanging over my head was more of a hindrance and brought me more anxiety than it should have when clearly to him I was already gone. Maybe it's time to do a little man-cleaning in my life! Trim the balls, so to speak.

His last words to me were: "Good things usually come to an end, sooner or later." I've deleted him from my phone, all his messages to me, and I'm glad.

A potpourri of tangents



And another one bites the dust.

Armenian Barbie Botox needs to take a page out of baby sister Kloe a.k.a. Kween K's book on how to choose the right marriage partner in the glitz and glam of Hellwood. But maybe she wasn't looking for that; just someone new to exploit and make a crapload of money in the process.

While I never cared much for the more popular, butt-acious middle sister, I didn't particularly despise her either. I almost felt sorry for her because it seemed like she was followed all day, everyday by unwanted cameras and eyes. But how silly of me! She wants nothing more but all the cameras and all the eyes because they somehow bring her all the money. Who needs dignity, pride, or integrity when you got enough green to fill your head.

Onto the actual real world reality though. My life has been full of mini-dramas these days, so let's switch it up and use bullet format, yeah!

• Bachelor Uno and I had a good time on our first date and we've been e-mailing since then. He's cute, smart, nice, and totally relatable. We're supposed to go out and do something together tomorrow. If things continue and go well, we could actually be a good match.
• Bachelor Dos and I have been on three dates. Our correspondence started out with really deep and thoughtful e-mails, which resulted in him breaking ties with his then-current lady (who he'd been seeing for about a month so it was still casual and, according to him, rocky from the start) and asking me out. He's worldy and intelligent in his own way (meaning: without a higher education), is a great cook, and adores animals and cats in particular... But I'm not feeling "the feeling" with him and I don't see anything for us long term. We haven't talked about "us" or anything, but from his actions and words I can tell that he's totally digging me. I let him kiss me goodnight after he walked me to my car in the cold last night (just some harmless closed-mouth pecks), and while they were good kisses, I probably shouldn't allow it to go any further if I'm already feeling like it's not going to work. He sent me an e-mail this afternoon since my phone hasn't been working the past few days and said some of the sweetest things... I don't think a guy I've dated has ever said such sweet things to me.
• Rege slyly de-friended me off Facebook. What the fuck, right? What a passive aggressive dickhole! I really didn't see any reason for him to actively do that. We hadn't talked in weeks and I only stalk his profile from a secret distance like any normal person--Never have I commented publicly on anything related to him. My friend thinks that his girlfriend found out about me, but I really don't see that. I think his ego was feeling extra big that day and he thought that I wouldn't be able to handle him changing his dusty old profile picture to a fresh one of him and his blonde babe in Halloween gear. If he were all that smart or sensitive, maybe he should've thought of doing this before pictures of the happy couple had been posted frequently enough for me to feel thoroughly entertained with judgement for months! I admit that I had a mild panic attack so I sent a friendly (albeit inwardly laced with rat poison) text the day I discovered this, and he had no problem what-so-ever texting me throughout the day and night. He seems to want to meet up again and I might follow through, if only to confront him about his socially very rude and unnecessary behavior.
• I know I owe you the juicy bits of my last encounter with Dr. Shark, but as you can see, it's been quite a busy week! Haven't talked to him since then though. The naive girl-child in me wants to believe that he's tried to text while my phone has been out of commission and might be curious/pissed/even concerned that he hasn't heard back from me, but in reality, he probably hasn't even tried to contact me therefore hasn't noticed my absence. Sigh.

Well. I'd decided to bullet my stories in order to make this post as short and sweet as possible, but it looks like I've lost that battle! Hopefully it's accomplished satisfying anyone's twisted curiosity into my twisted little life for now.

Must not confuse lust for love.

No need to fear, Internetties: I didn't become a Dr. Shark killer in the last couple of days. He actually came through and we had a jolly good time the other night, as limited as it was (we had like four hours together, which included two hours driving together). It was about enough time to have an intense sex session followed by some wonderful pillow talk/cuddling.

I use the phrase "enough time" loosely as it certainly wasn't actually enough to make me feel completely satisfied... but it's all he could give me before making the trek home.

He's the first guy with whom I actually want to spend all my moments, and that scares the bejesus out of me. Is it just my biological clock telling me to prepare myself for the eventual natural cycle of wifehood and motherdom, or is it him as a person that makes me want to begin that next phase of my life? Either reasoning is frightening since I feel like I'm still so young and not yet wise enough to get into all that, but if I had to choose either or... I choose the first option.

Because no matter how I feel or how I sometimes delude myself into thinking he feels too, Dr. Shark is abso-FUCKING-lutely not ready--not wanting--not thinking about any of that, even and especially with me.

Rege and I have plans to hang out tomorrow.

Battle time.

Dr. Shark and I had our first fight last night.

I was going through an existential crisis because earlier in the day is when Rege told me he never saw me as dating material (see previous post), and that caused me to re-evaluate my status with the Doc. Every now and then we have this discussion, so it was time to check in again anyway.

Except, this time, I probably went about it the wrong way... pushed too many buttons, backed him into a corner.

He gave me the same answer as always: You're great... but I still stand by what I've been saying... I need to be single... If you want to move on, I'll understand.

I should've expected this because he never offered me anything different. I'd always feel pangs of hurt and contemplate ending things right then and there, but the desire and need to have him in my life always weighed more than the alternative. He'd be patient with me on the phone--letting me struggle in silence for a bit, talk it out. But we'd always return to the friends/lovers/talk-to-each-other-everyday relationship limbo, and I would push my pain and my hesitation aside until the next time.

Last night, though, I was in no mood to let it slide. I kind of took the role of a victim (which I never do). After that horrid conversation with Rege (whom I don't really have feelings for anymore, but it never feels like winning the lottery when someone says stuff like that to you) and now this with Dr. Shark, I was feeling down in the dumps and sad beyond words.

Maybe he was having a bad day too, or maybe he felt shocked to learn that I still talked to the likes of Rege, but whatever it was, Dr. Shark pushed me right back. He said: I'm walking away.

--swirlyswirlswirls of feelings--

I'm not sure what or how I felt. I had to put on a face because I was meeting my parents for dinner, but it was hard to do through the tears that just wouldn't stop leaking out of my eyes (my haggardly look I blamed on jet lag and exhaustion to them, which was partly true). To this moment, I still can't pinpoint the thoughts and emotions that raced through me when he said that. Panic? Relief? Heartbreak? Anger? Disappointment? Concession?--It's interesting that one person can feel so many things at the crack of an instance. If I had to use colors to describe this phenomenon, I might use tie-dye as an example: So many colors swirling around together with no beginning, no end, no order, no real distinction.

While I sat there trying to swallow the food my mom so selflessly made for my visit, which unfortunately felt like lumps of ash in my mouth, he texted an apology: "I got upset. I'm sorry."

So we're made up, temporarily. I won't get to see him at all until at least next week (another point for my aggression towards him), and if we have anymore heated conversations over the phone or text I'm going to punt a baby, so I'm going to try to control my emotions the best I can. He might not deserve that, but like I said... I don't want to lose him yet, and certainly not in this way.

A flair of flava.

He actually said that no, he didn't think I was dating material, but that I was "still super cool, hot, and fun to play with."

I am just an exotic plaything for men

My best friend has always told me to date black men or any other man of color. My preferred flavor has been vanilla, particularly ones with roots in this region, but maybe I'm starting to see her point. No matter how relatable I am to them philosophically, intelligently, economically, I will always seem different because I look different and yes, my parents are different than theirs. They can never outright admit that race is an issue because it would make them look bad, and I agree that's it's probably not our races, but our cultural backgrounds at least. It doesn't matter that I sometimes prefer grits over rice or that I love burgers and pizza like any other American... It freaks them out that my parents and I speak a different language to each other and that if we ever were to procreate, our kids might look slightly different than them (but much cuter, in my opinion).

I know that's one of the reasons J(erk) never took me seriously. He could never imagine introducing me to his conservative, traditional, all-American, football-lovin' family, all of whom he is very close to. On the other hand, he was a hit with his friends who all saw me as that exotic wildflower.

What a life conundrum! It really is time to move out of this place.

Too short of an escape.

This is where I was the past two weeks. No muss, no fuss, and--most importantly--no men.

Back to life and reality now though. I wish I could have left my cell phone off for a few more days, but with having to go back to work the very next day and family wanting to catch up since I missed my birthday while out of the coutnry, I knew that it wouldn't be acceptable to stay disconnected.

So once I got home and thanked the stars everything stayed the way I'd left it (i.e. there were no drifters nesting in my living room), I plugged in the battery charger to my phone and waited to see what or who had sent me anything obscene while I was away. I was totally put in my place immediately because I'd only gotten one text message and voicemail from my best friend who wanted to wish me a happy birthday. But I also got one text from Dr. Shark earlier that day, welcoming me back home.

That was a total pleasant surprise. During my entire trip (well, during the few times I wasn't involved in some tropical adventure and had time to dwell and ponder) I imagined an embarrassingly countless number of scenarios involving my possible reconnection/reunion with Dr. Shark. We hadn't left things on a perfect note because he hadn't been able to see me like he said he would, and I was nervous that these two weeks away would be a chance for him to actually get away from me. On the other hand, we're both believers in that "distance makes the heart fonder" bullshit since we already have distance to wrestle with on a daily basis, so maybe these couple of weeks of complete blackout silence would somehow make him want me more.

The best case scenario that the dark, love-is-cruel part of my brain could come up with is that he would maybe remember to text me a week or two after I'd returned, if he remembered at all. I was determined not to send him an "I'm back!" text because I wanted to prove that I have some pride and self restraint too. Plus, I wasn't completely certain that he would even want to hear from me. He assured me before I left that he would "see me soon" and that he would miss me... But it's all just words.

Guys and their words... Destructive weapons.

So to not only have a text waiting for me from him, but on the exact same day that I said I would be arriving... It definitely fluttered my heartstrings a little bit. I hadn't mentioned the date during our last conversations but in ones previous to those, so for him to remember sort of blew my mind. Okay, okay, that sounds a bit extreme, but I've been trained to expect as little as possible from men. (Clearly, I'm damaged!)

He wasn't able to call me until today because he had run out of minutes (talking to who?--I wonder...), and we could only chat for a minute or two since we were both at work, but I think he wanted to hear my voice as much as I wanted to hear his. His text messages sounded tired (if that makes any sense) and a little grumpy, but hearing his voice and laughter totally brightened my jet lagged tired ass up. I didn't think too much about him while on vacation because one of my goals of the trip was to just have a good time with my girlfriends and not think about sad things, but when I did, I always had to question us. Do I really want to "waste" my time and energy with a person who is with me yet not with me? Do I really want to make my heart that vulnerable again? Does my happiness with him like three-four days a month make up for the misery of not being with him ninety percent of the days? Do I really want to be with a person who won't acknowledge knowing me? (He once called me his "dirty little secret.")

Stupid girl, I am.

Even stupider since I've been dirty texting with Rege while at work today. He wants to meet up, preferably tonight, but I said no. Not for moral or righteous reasons (who has time to be moral or righteous these days anyway?) but because I'm jet lagged, my house is a mess, I need a wax, and I'm on my period. I haven't been laid in like three weeks and I'm as horny as a monkey (I saw some up close while on vacation, and monkeys are so naughty!) so if it were just one or two of those I would totally be up for it... but four miserable components equal one out of commission girl.

Wish I were back on the island.

Smile!...Just for the camera?

Brand spankin' new pictures were just posted to Facebook of Rege and his new girlfriend. He was showing off his pearly whites, she was smiling widely in a cute, bohemian halter top... He had his arm slung across the back of her chair but they didn't appear to be touching... In fact, there was an inordinate amount of space between the two of them who were sitting together at a fancy restaurant.

Even if I didn't know anything about either of them, I think I would question the authenticity of their relationship anyway. Because other than the fact that they're two attractive people who in terms of physicality look to be the perfect, cookie cutter pair, are they really on the same page? They both happen to be best friends with the same chick (whose camera captured the couple at her birthday dinner), which makes things complicated. The way he made it seem to me the last time we talked was that the girlfriend wasn't all that he thought was cracked up to be... But what's he supposed to do now? He's shit and fucked in his comfort zone--in his favorite social circle. If he doesn't see it through, he can be branded a douche and asshole and could possibly lose those closest to him. But if he continues the charade, he could be miserable.

Did I mention that he sought me out for some fun the other night? And oh what fun we had...

I'd seen him the week before, just to hang out and catch up. The week following consisted of flirty, dirty texts almost everyday, and I knew that I had to see him again. The few times we had hooked up in the past were amazing and full of pulsating orgasms--A first for me with a guy. And when he suddenly cut me off from the climax wagon to start things up with Barbie Girl, I certainly felt a little more than just bitter about it. It's like, I know it wasn't just me who thought the sex was incredible, so why was he not wanting or seeking it anymore?

Eh, I guess (some) guys do want more than just sex with a woman.

Anyway, despite him being with her and me semi-being with Dr. Shark, we met up for one night. Unlike with Ace though, I didn't feel guilty or regret with Rege. We began the night as friends, evolved temporarily to lovahs, and then parted the night as friends again. I honestly don't know if we'll engage in extra-curricular activities again or how I would feel about it if we do... but it's fun to think about sometimes.

This brings me back around to the question as to why is Rege dating this girl that he doesn't get everything he wants from. He loves sex with me and he likes hanging out with me--He's told me this multiple times. So why didn't he try to date me when he had the chance? Is it because I'm not blonde and blue-eyed like Barbie? Does he somehow ignorantly believe that I wouldn't fit in well with his life? Without any evidence or real direction I could only speculate... but I'm leaning towards that; and if that's the case, then maybe I shouldn't mess around with a guy like that anyway.