Transition...

I feel like I'm constantly torn between two ideas, circumstances, or viewpoints. The big picture is: I need to distract myself from thinking about him or re-playing our past or fantasizing about a hopeless nonexistent future because all these things are harmful to me. I finally understand it well enough that thoughts of our future have pretty much ceased (perhaps that's the closest to "closure" that I've ever gotten), but that doesn't stop me from remembering our good times and him being present in my thoughts in the simple "Wonder what he's up to" ways.

Even the last time that I saw him a few days ago, when I forced him to drive all the way to my house just so I could see his face while we talked about serious things (since there's only so much you can gather from a phone conversation), I can file away as a "good time." It would be so much easier to move on, get over him, if he were just a fucking jerk like, well, J(erk)! But, alas, Dr. Shark is not a jerk.

He was patient, understanding, and a good listener like he's always been. But he remained firm in his opinions of himself and romantic relationships in that he just didn't want and can't handle them. He didn't see what was happening between us at that moment as a break up like I did... He saw it as a natural transition into friendship since that's all it could be, unless I wanted to cut off communication completely (to which he said he would understand).

Seeing his face while hearing his words made me finally get it. He's one of those unattainable guys that girls like me will always long for... but I can no longer allow myself to fall vulnerable to it.

While he was on his way to my house (takes about an hour and a half driving time), I paced back and forth, solidifying my convictions. I was going to get all the answers about his ex-girlfriend and his future baby that I needed to help me move on. I was going to drain every ounce of his thoughts on why he didn't see us making it as a couple. I was going to punish him by letting him see how much he hurt me by even coming into my life and now trying to leave it as if nothing had happened.

I was so convinced that I could accomplish all this...

...Until he walked in my door and immediately wrapped me in his long, solid arms. "I'm sorry I was so grumpy with you," he mumbled into my hair as my face pressed up against his chest.

Goddamnhim.

I couldn't stop shaking after that. I expected him to be short with me and only give monosyllabic answers to my questions... Basically, I imagined the evening to resemble an interrogation room. But for the first half hour or so, he had to try to get me to talk while I fought back the tears that I swore I wouldn't show him. He spoke to me like he would to an injured animal (which I imagine he has experience of since he's single-handedly rescued and brought two abandoned kittens to the glorious lives they both currently have with him, so sexy), and offered gentle and kind words of not so gentle and kind ideas.

Maybe he saw that there was no way to get me to open up at that moment because I was so terrified and confused, so he reached over and embraced me on the couch. We sat there for a moment and I didn't want--no, couldn't--let him go. He pulled away slightly so we could see each other's faces... and then I slid my hand behind his neck and pulled him in to kiss me.

There was no reluctance or hesitation from either of us. The millisecond his lips reached mine we hungrily went for it. Thinking back, he probably wanted it too... if anything, to at least break the tension. But he wouldn't have made the first move in fear of hurting me anymore. Goddamnhim and his niceness. There was one point before the actual sex that he breathily asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this, and I replied by unzipping his pants.

Needless to say, it was the most intense sex of my life. We've always had really, really great sex, but this night and many of them leading up to it was so tense and emotional that there wasn't any possible way that it wouldn't be crazy.

We were able to relax and have good, friendly conversation after tha (about not so good or friendly things), and we even cooked breakfast-for-dinner together. It was reminiscent of our first "date" when I also cooked chocolate chip pancakes for him, although that time was for actual breakfast. If decades from now he can only remember two things about me, I hope that he remembers how good I was in both the bedroom and the kitchen! I kind of take pride in my ability in both.

When he finally had to leave, he kissed me on the lips and told me that this wasn't goodbye. We didn't really establish what would happen... although I know that romantic, emotional attachment to him is now useless, so I feel that that evening accomplished what I needed. Maybe we can remain friends, maybe we can't. But it's not something that we can consciously decide to do in one night. These things take time.

So, back to what I was saying at the beginning of this post, I need distractions. I'm joining some fitness classes and hanging out with friends more, but I feel that that's not enough. But is it safe or smart to try to start dating again so soon? That might be giving any future suitors the shit end of the stick...

Well, that's that.

"Do you ever feel, you know, soulfully empty or alone? Do you not want a deeper connection to someone?" I asked.

"No," he replied.

Just a brief.

Sorry for not posting in a while. My week has consisted of drama, silence, confusion, paranoia, jealousy, bouts of depression and anger, longing for sweet sweet death... Ha, not really, but you get the picture.

I'm not inspired enough by anything to write.

I feel like things will continue on this bleak path for a while longer. This has definitely been the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but my life up until a couple of years ago (when I started actually dating men) was never, ever this dramatic. I always watched and supported my friends through their heartaches and strife, but never was I one of the players.

This has been making me learn more things about myself... but they're not necessarily good things.

I just want the pain to be over.

Right vs Left Brain: Weak or Strong?

Had a brutally--almost painfully--honest conversation with Dr. Shark last night. We were supposed to hang out but while texting me throughout the day it was becoming clear that he just wasn't in the mood to really socialize. He had a shitty day, I had a shitty day. But I still wanted to see him... so understandably, I was miffed, disappointed, and upset.

I asked him some pretty difficult questions when we were on the phone with one another later in the evening, after I had talked myself off the ledge (it wasn't solely because of the boy; there are some other struggles in my life right now).

Topics we covered:
- Remind me again why you're so opposed to relationships?
- What comes to mind when you think of me?
- If I were to try to end things... Would you let me go or would you try to keep me in your life?
- Would you ever get back together with your ex-girlfriend?

And yes, some of his responses felt like daggers to the heart.

I should flee, I really should. I'm hyper-emotional and he's the complete opposite, and we both know that it's becoming an issue of him unintentionally hurting me. He says that he only makes choices based on logic, not emotion, and that he knows that it bothers most people in his life. Maybe I could bring myself to believe him a little bit if I hadn't slept with another self-proclaimed "logics only" guy who was in the process of getting married. Why go through the crazy circus process of a wedding and vowing eternal love and devotion to another human being if you only think logically? These days, especially, I don't see much reason in getting married.

Because I like Dr. Shark so damn much, I have to trust him to tell me the truth. But I can't help thinking, just the teeniest bit, that all he spews is bullshit... just like every other guy I've known.

He said that what we have is what he wants right now but he doesn't think what we have is good for me, which I totally agree with. Lately, I feel more hurt than happy with him, and after J(erk) I told myself that whenever and if-ever it gets to this point with a man I would remove myself from the situtation.

Easier said than done, says present-day me!

Well, let's see if Dr. S follows through with coming up to see me today and then let's figure things out. If he cancels on me again... Prepare to follow a very messy murder investigation on the news. (Just kidding... Evidence would be so well-hidden, no one would be the wiser. Hehe)

Battle time.

Dr. Shark and I had our first fight last night.

I was going through an existential crisis because earlier in the day is when Rege told me he never saw me as dating material (see previous post), and that caused me to re-evaluate my status with the Doc. Every now and then we have this discussion, so it was time to check in again anyway.

Except, this time, I probably went about it the wrong way... pushed too many buttons, backed him into a corner.

He gave me the same answer as always: You're great... but I still stand by what I've been saying... I need to be single... If you want to move on, I'll understand.

I should've expected this because he never offered me anything different. I'd always feel pangs of hurt and contemplate ending things right then and there, but the desire and need to have him in my life always weighed more than the alternative. He'd be patient with me on the phone--letting me struggle in silence for a bit, talk it out. But we'd always return to the friends/lovers/talk-to-each-other-everyday relationship limbo, and I would push my pain and my hesitation aside until the next time.

Last night, though, I was in no mood to let it slide. I kind of took the role of a victim (which I never do). After that horrid conversation with Rege (whom I don't really have feelings for anymore, but it never feels like winning the lottery when someone says stuff like that to you) and now this with Dr. Shark, I was feeling down in the dumps and sad beyond words.

Maybe he was having a bad day too, or maybe he felt shocked to learn that I still talked to the likes of Rege, but whatever it was, Dr. Shark pushed me right back. He said: I'm walking away.

--swirlyswirlswirls of feelings--

I'm not sure what or how I felt. I had to put on a face because I was meeting my parents for dinner, but it was hard to do through the tears that just wouldn't stop leaking out of my eyes (my haggardly look I blamed on jet lag and exhaustion to them, which was partly true). To this moment, I still can't pinpoint the thoughts and emotions that raced through me when he said that. Panic? Relief? Heartbreak? Anger? Disappointment? Concession?--It's interesting that one person can feel so many things at the crack of an instance. If I had to use colors to describe this phenomenon, I might use tie-dye as an example: So many colors swirling around together with no beginning, no end, no order, no real distinction.

While I sat there trying to swallow the food my mom so selflessly made for my visit, which unfortunately felt like lumps of ash in my mouth, he texted an apology: "I got upset. I'm sorry."

So we're made up, temporarily. I won't get to see him at all until at least next week (another point for my aggression towards him), and if we have anymore heated conversations over the phone or text I'm going to punt a baby, so I'm going to try to control my emotions the best I can. He might not deserve that, but like I said... I don't want to lose him yet, and certainly not in this way.