tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74766899086717865912024-03-05T15:44:22.087-05:00If Khloe could do it, why can't I?All the black sheep of the world deserve love too.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-84211888087362933862011-12-30T21:29:00.000-05:002011-12-30T21:29:47.090-05:00Worlds apartI'm currently sitting here looking at GoogleMaps to see just how far my friend and I will be driving tomorrow to reach our destination for New Year's. <br />
<br />
Is it just me who finds maps amazingly fascinating? I live in the metropolis of a southern state in the US and like most other urbannites, I tend to live within my own bubble and forget that other people, cultures, and lifestyles exist beyond a 30-mile radius of me. But ever since I started seeing Dr. Shark--who lives about a hundred miles south of me most of the year--it's made me become more aware of the rest of the region around me.<br />
<br />
I mean, truth be told, it's not like there are golden treasures to be found or captivating social studies to be made among the citizens or land outside my city... honestly. It's trees. And dirt. And farmland. That's it.<br />
<br />
Nonetheless, I like looking at the map of my state. Well, used to like, at least. I liked looking at the bold print of my city's name and zooming into the familiar neighborhoods and streets and feeling like I'm actually flying over them, and then zooming back out to let my eyes drift down, down, down to the smaller, less prominent name of Dr. Shark's town. I liked recalling my most recent drive down those two-lane highways and passing that particular fruit stand or creek, finally reaching that happy house of his. I liked being with him in a safe small place, in a bigger unfamiliar place, within my own home state, which I've realized I haven't explored thoroughly enough.<br />
<br />
Now though, as I'm looking at this map that I've happily stared at countless times over the past few months, I'm feeling pretty sorrowful. My city's name is still there, big and bold as ever, and I see his town where it always is. But now, all I can really focus on is that other name, a little bit more south and west, and in bigger font, where he'll probably move to in a month or so. And be with her. Because even further west is her town... And they want to be central in between his and hers... To be together.<br />
<br />
"For the baby."<br />
<br />
Playground riddles may have taught us that "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in a baby carriage," but that's never real. <br />
<br />
To be real, it goes: First comes <em><strong>lust</strong></em>, then comes <strong><em>love</em></strong>, then comes <strong><em>break-up</em></strong>, then comes <strong><em>break-up sex</em></strong>, then comes <strong><em>break-up for realz</em></strong>, then comes <strong><em>rebound</em></strong>, then comes <strong><em>baby</em></strong>, then comes <strong><em>shacking up</em></strong>, then comes <strong><em>love</em></strong> again. <br />
<br />
And then... No more me.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-38463103066663323232011-12-28T22:53:00.000-05:002011-12-28T22:53:17.073-05:00Good riddance, 2011I don't know about y'all, but I'm totally ready for the new year to start. <em>Aching</em> for it, actually!<br />
<br />
Yes, I'm one of those folks who wistfully believes that when midnight strikes on a spankin' new calendar year, things can and will be different. It's all about a fresh start, a clean slate. Of course, it's also all in your own individual minds and souls, and some may argue that you can consciously choose for a new beginning at any moment in your life. But something about New Year's brings hope to my sometimes hopeless life.<br />
<br />
At least there's still opportunity for hope, right? Even if it's just once a year!<br />
<br />
Last year, I brought in the new year among strangers, in a strange city, while my best friend was tangled up on the couch with her then-ambiguous-hookup-guy-now-husband. <br />
<br />
Yes, BFF is married now.<br />
<br />
She <em>eloped</em> on Christmas Eve Eve.<br />
<br />
Can we talk about that in another post though? I think I've gotten over the initial shock, but I may still be too fragile to talk about the girl that I've known for over decade--the one who decorated my school locker every year for my birthday, and passed notebooks full of giggly, emotional notes about boys and glitter ink with--who is now a married woman. (To a guy I don't fully approve of. Ouch.)<br />
<br />
Anyway, back to my point, last New Year's was pretty horrendous. I was all dressed up prettily and surrounded by people I could have been socializing and laughing with, but I had never felt so alone and miserable. I was still stuck in the bowels of my break up with J(erk), and still letting myself think about him during once-in-a-lifetime moments such as the first midnight of 2011, even if it was clear that he wasn't thinking about me.<br />
<br />
I should've known that most of the moments following that one would be just as lonely, miserable, and confusing, seeing as how the year started.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR5KpcRjfmyaElh8hM5iHgmwkxZmAnkQ9qFmt-xlehP9Cv5aY7A6hPpwwZOs_qitqL0zR6sO6jpDWH7AbPZtsZn1GI-5LP-RqrWeY5PeYcvv0H2VbFIAemTHJFvFX-jjjmxiyzp4CECqU/s1600/Fireworks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="254" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR5KpcRjfmyaElh8hM5iHgmwkxZmAnkQ9qFmt-xlehP9Cv5aY7A6hPpwwZOs_qitqL0zR6sO6jpDWH7AbPZtsZn1GI-5LP-RqrWeY5PeYcvv0H2VbFIAemTHJFvFX-jjjmxiyzp4CECqU/s320/Fireworks.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What is it about fireworks that seems so magical?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>That's why I want the first midnight of 2012 to be different. I <em>need</em> this year to be different! My thoughts will most likely still be consisted of a large concentration of boys (though about Dr. Shark this time), but my setting will be different. I don't want to be surrounded by drunk, wild, sketchy strangers. I originally thought it would be safest and smartest to sleep through it all in the comfort of my own bed, but even I know that's kind of depressing since I'd always made a point to celebrate NYE big and proud.<br />
<br />
I'll be driving to the coast with just one girlfriend in tow, and we'll toast champagne while watching the fireworks over the pier. She's had a rough year, and you all know that I've had one as well. We've both leaned on each other for support when our hearts felt too heavy to bear, and I know that I would be honored and happy to spend a quiet New Year's with such a friend as her.<br />
<br />
So, here's to a new beginning, y'all. I hope that however or wherever you spend yours, that it brings you peace, happiness, and the opportunity for a fresh start! Sometimes we all just need the opportunity.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-11857305411104131342011-12-07T15:51:00.000-05:002011-12-07T15:51:03.434-05:00Weight liftedRege and I had our last ever conversation last night.<br />
<br />
In a way, I felt a little bad about it since rejection never feels good. But in another way, I'm glad. Super glad even.<br />
<br />
I'm the type of person who needs an ending, a conclusion, a closure. And I finally got it from him. Even if he wasn't a constant presence in my life like Dr. Shark and I certainly didn't feel for him in more ways than sexually, there were always days where I'd wonder about him and be curious if he was wondering about me too. But now that I know... <i>I know</i>.<br />
<br />
Surprisingly for me, I'm not sad about him leaving my life. The idea of him hanging over my head was more of a hindrance and brought me more anxiety than it should have when clearly to him I was already gone. Maybe it's time to do a little man-cleaning in my life! Trim the balls, so to speak.<br />
<br />
His last words to me were: "Good things usually come to an end, sooner or later." I've deleted him from my phone, all his messages to me, and I'm glad.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-77386798341700994272011-12-05T14:43:00.003-05:002011-12-05T14:43:58.906-05:00Put into more eloquent words<blockquote><i>"[Sketching] made me see people again, and that made the hurt of Robert lessen a little, this feeling that I was one among many and that those other people--with their different jackets and glasses and variously shaped and colored eyes--all had had their Roberts, their incredible disasters, their pleasures and regrets. I tried to put pleasure and regret into my sketches of them. Some of them liked being sketched and smiled sideways at me.</i></blockquote><blockquote><i>Those mornings made it easier, in a small way, for me to accept that I was alone and didn't want to look at other men, although perhaps that would wear off eventually. After about a hundred years."</i></blockquote><br />
--<b>The Swan Thieves</b> by Elizabeth Kostova, p.296<br />
<br />
While reading this book, I really connected with this one character: A young female art student who fell hopelessly for her professor who was married at the time and was struggling through his own demons. She was unsure of her lot in life, she wasn't expecting much out of other people, but their paths crossed and sometimes "it" (the surprising, illogical, irrational "thing") happens. Neither of them were bad people (although, if I had to choose one antagonist, it'd be HIM!), but the timing in their lives weren't in line for them together in the long haul and his situation wouldn't allow to keep her in his life.<br />
<br />
This excerpt really speaks to me. As much as everyday is a struggle (for instance, this whole weekend I basically didn't leave the safety of my own couch let alone my house), it really does help to think that I'm not alone. And like this character, being creative keeps me from doing anything outlandish and stupid.<br />
<br />
However, also like her, I can't imagine myself with any other man right now. Until our story finishes completely, I can't feel about anyone else than him.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-64825029254032376032011-12-02T22:17:00.000-05:002011-12-02T22:17:49.837-05:00The Stones lied: Time's not on my side<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge-0r9m-QYMkhMdqZY_lB2PnXADlvvkKLpEUr9hPvamhlVLYG70oD9phoAxi2phJnoSK3ihbOryPEq25yBmE8tQp0Mr5pmf0fTqAfK6IBho9iXGZjAW2pB0ccFk0-2Uh-gGVhhQ5h2T1g/s1600/Hourglass.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge-0r9m-QYMkhMdqZY_lB2PnXADlvvkKLpEUr9hPvamhlVLYG70oD9phoAxi2phJnoSK3ihbOryPEq25yBmE8tQp0Mr5pmf0fTqAfK6IBho9iXGZjAW2pB0ccFk0-2Uh-gGVhhQ5h2T1g/s320/Hourglass.png" width="240" /></a></div>Time is such a strange thing.<br />
<br />
At the present moment, I am a part of Dr. Shark's life, but I most likely won't be in his future at all. While my own future is unknown in every possible way--Professional, romantic, even location-wise--His immediate future is pretty set. That's what having a baby does.<br />
<br />
He did reveal to me a bit of his very sordid and twisted past. As young of a guy as he is, and as many "serious" relationships he claims to have been in, his magic number is admittedly high. He's done everything from sleeping with married women, pushing the boundaries of his heterosexuality, being the player of other couples' sick fantasies, and yes--He's even been in a threesome. I hope that doesn't come off as judgemental on my part, but the last one came as a surprise to me simply because he's expressed to me many times how a huge sexual fantasy of his is to have a three-way, especially with me. <br />
<br />
I guess he meant he wants two hot ladies to be with simutaneously as opposed to being the guest star for another couple, but still! There were three people present, interacting with each other sexually, so that's a fucking threesome.<br />
<br />
He says he's calmed down over the years because of his profession and just generally growing older. I have been his latest sexscapade but I'm surely not his last. I've realized that men don't change... won't change... And while he's great in many aspects, I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him. He defended his actions very rationally, saying that he likes to try new things and be adventurous just to know what it feels like, not to brag or boast about his conquests. Some things work out, other things don't. At least he can keep a mental checklist on what he likes and what he doesn't. I'm fine with all that since I've proven to be flexible (both literally and metaphorically!) and adventurous in the sack as well, but I guess my sensitivity with Dr. Shark has grown pretty high over the months.<br />
<br />
Despite it all though, and despite his own concession that he's "not marriage material," I find myself still as in love with him as ever. I know that our futures will never line up and that knowledge is slowly breaking my heart, but I'm holding tight to our limited present. Time in general is precious, but time with Dr. Shark I am addicted to.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-28505497244024449572011-11-27T19:58:00.002-05:002011-11-27T20:00:03.168-05:00Still here... barelyLike so many others that I read about in articles or blogs, talk to in person, or hear about from others, I've been feeling such a disconnect from everything. I'm absolutely capable of being functional at work, around my friends, around my family, keep a clean house, play with my cat, even go out for social functions when the occasion calls for it... But I just go through the motions. I do things like shower everyday, go to work, respond to texts, and put a smile on my face so as not to raise any red flags that something is, or something could eventually be terribly wrong.<br />
<br />
Why can't I feel a flash of sparks or anything resembling passion to anything other than him? Does a person have just a certain capacity of passion allotted to them and if used majorily on one activity or one person, there's really none left to distribute to others?<br />
<br />
Anyway, I haven't wanted to even blog about anything going on in my life or in my head because I'm scared. To give you a feel, here's a text that my BFF sent tonight about what's been going on and what is going to/could happen tomorrow, next week, months from now:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq"><em>Just acknowledge that you are heading into a storm and I guess it'll be okay, but remember you always have the power to walk out.</em></blockquote>Previous texts of hers were of her conceding that this may kill me, but that she'll be here when it does. And though this is the most terrifed I've ever felt in my life because I'm basically knowingly walking steadily towards my doom, there is a level of comfort that I'll at least have her to pick up my shattered pieces at the end.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-80803383363999023912011-11-08T21:22:00.000-05:002011-11-08T21:22:21.859-05:00To move forward, or to stand stillApparently it's "wrong" and I'm going to "break his heart" because I'm not one hundred percent sure of my attraction or chemistry with Bachelor Dos, but I've continued my casual dating relationship with him. We haven't established any rules or boundaries yet, so I don't see the wrong-ness at all! Isn't this what dating is all about afterall?<br />
<br />
I do admit that he's moving a bit faster than I'm comfortable with. We've still only been on the three dates, then he went out of town on business and during his five days away he sent long e-mails or texted everyday. I'm fine with that and actually enjoyed the attention, only, he kept saying sappily sweet things like how he couldn't wait to see me when he returned and how he searched all over for the perfect present for me.<br />
<br />
<em>What what?</em> Presents already??<br />
<br />
Now, I'm all about thoughtful gift giving and acting upon sentiments--Hell, I worked at Hallmark for years so it's been branded into me!--but I've known the guy for a few short weeks. I didn't even get him anything and his birthday just passed!<br />
<br />
He wanted to meet up tonight (he got back to town yesterday) but really, after my slut-tastic weekend, I'm completely spent. Physically, mentally, soulfully. I wanted to be boy-free at least one night this week.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-10470118403762030262011-11-07T16:45:00.000-05:002011-11-07T16:45:21.881-05:00Full moon rounding the cornerI'm not even going to speak of the things I've been doing, am doing, and will be doing this week. If they had an award for Slut of the Week--guess what--I'd be top dog for that.<br />
<br />
I blame the moon. It gets all the creeps a-crawling... and what's a horny, single girl to do? ;)<br />
<br />
(No need for concern. I always keep things safe and clean, and plenty hydrated. haha)Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-38994347673567645872011-11-05T20:26:00.000-04:002011-11-05T20:26:37.273-04:00And the claws are outToday, I woke up angry.<br />
<br />
So inexplicably and overwhelmingly angry--in a tornado of rage, if you will--at the man that made me fall in love with him and is now gone, awaiting the birth of his future kid with his ex-girlfriend. He's supposed to be smart... How could he let something so stupid happen?<br />
<br />
I know it's pointless to be angry and even more pointless to hate everything baby-related including babies themselves, so I've made myself not think about it if I can help it. But if you wake up in this manner, there's not much you can do about it. I did everything I could to distract myself from misery and enjoyed the autumn day with friends, but the anger and despair were just too potent. So while there was a smile on my face, I was dying on the inside from a painful migraine.<br />
<br />
I never get migraines so I felt like a whiny little wimp, but I think it's finally starting to wane. Does that mean the rage is dissipating as well? Probably not. I haven't heard from him in over a week, not since he left my house after fucking me... Maybe he'll finally be forever gone now.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-54308880306792123982011-11-01T20:33:00.000-04:002011-11-01T20:33:05.319-04:00A potpourri of tangents<div style="text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwlvHrSeKDpC9XQCJhwJTGqmWw7vRs-cEHZebLZTMiXxVN_zVCCndtMfGBtlW8IH7G78T-21D66Nq2-PO6d7u2nDLEUS0sTE5Wc01x5MQETLK9SdSHx_OHxY6nvo6SbjxyXXKFPqItQe8/s1600/KimKrisBreakup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwlvHrSeKDpC9XQCJhwJTGqmWw7vRs-cEHZebLZTMiXxVN_zVCCndtMfGBtlW8IH7G78T-21D66Nq2-PO6d7u2nDLEUS0sTE5Wc01x5MQETLK9SdSHx_OHxY6nvo6SbjxyXXKFPqItQe8/s320/KimKrisBreakup.jpg" width="320" /></a>And another one bites the dust.</div><br />
Armenian Barbie Botox needs to take a page out of baby sister Kloe a.k.a. Kween K's book on how to choose the right marriage partner in the glitz and glam of Hellwood. But maybe she wasn't looking for that; just someone new to exploit and make a crapload of money in the process.<br />
<br />
While I never cared much for the more popular, butt-acious middle sister, I didn't particularly despise her either. I almost felt sorry for her because it seemed like she was followed all day, everyday by unwanted cameras and eyes. But how silly of me! She wants nothing more but all the cameras and all the eyes because they somehow bring her all the money. Who needs dignity, pride, or integrity when you got enough green to fill your head.<br />
<br />
Onto the actual real world reality though. My life has been full of mini-dramas these days, so let's switch it up and use bullet format, yeah! <br />
<br />
<ul><li>Bachelor Uno and I had a good time on our first date and we've been e-mailing since then. He's cute, smart, nice, and totally relatable. We're supposed to go out and do something together tomorrow. If things continue and go well, we could actually be a good match.</li>
<li>Bachelor Dos and I have been on three dates. Our correspondence started out with really deep and thoughtful e-mails, which resulted in him breaking ties with his then-current lady (who he'd been seeing for about a month so it was still casual and, according to him, rocky from the start) and asking me out. He's worldy and intelligent in his own way (meaning: without a higher education), is a great cook, and adores animals and cats in particular... But I'm not feeling "the feeling" with him and I don't see anything for us long term. We haven't talked about "us" or anything, but from his actions and words I can tell that he's totally digging me. I let him kiss me goodnight after he walked me to my car in the cold last night (just some harmless closed-mouth pecks), and while they were good kisses, I probably shouldn't allow it to go any further if I'm already feeling like it's not going to work. He sent me an e-mail this afternoon since my phone hasn't been working the past few days and said some of the sweetest things... I don't think a guy I've dated has ever said such sweet things to me.</li>
<li>Rege slyly de-friended me off Facebook. What the fuck, right? What a passive aggressive dickhole! I really didn't see any reason for him to actively do that. We hadn't talked in weeks and I only stalk his profile from a secret distance like any normal person--<em>Never</em> have I commented publicly on anything related to him. My friend thinks that his girlfriend found out about me, but I really don't see that. I think his ego was feeling extra big that day and he thought that I wouldn't be able to handle him changing his dusty old profile picture to a fresh one of him and his blonde babe in Halloween gear. If he were all that smart or sensitive, maybe he should've thought of doing this before pictures of the happy couple had been posted frequently enough for me to feel thoroughly entertained with judgement for months! I admit that I had a mild panic attack so I sent a friendly (albeit inwardly laced with rat poison) text the day I discovered this, and he had no problem what-so-ever texting me throughout the day and night. He seems to want to meet up again and I might follow through, if only to confront him about his socially very rude and unnecessary behavior.</li>
<li>I know I owe you the juicy bits of my last encounter with Dr. Shark, but as you can see, it's been quite a busy week! Haven't talked to him since then though. The naive girl-child in me wants to believe that he's tried to text while my phone has been out of commission and might be curious/pissed/even concerned that he hasn't heard back from me, but in reality, he probably hasn't even tried to contact me therefore hasn't noticed my absence. Sigh.</li>
</ul>Well. I'd decided to bullet my stories in order to make this post as short and sweet as possible, but it looks like I've lost that battle! Hopefully it's accomplished satisfying anyone's twisted curiosity into my twisted little life for now.<br />
<ul></ul>Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-60319514434281338142011-10-27T12:37:00.000-04:002011-10-27T12:37:38.611-04:00Oopsie daisyI did the nasty with Dr. Shark last night.<br />
<br />
Bad, Mizkay. Very very bad. (Deets to follow. And like y'all weren't expecting it after my last post! If you've been reading this blog at all, you should know that I'm not the brightest crayon in the box. haha)Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-22687605156793675562011-10-26T14:11:00.000-04:002011-10-26T14:11:25.653-04:00Peering over the edgeSometimes, it's really hard to be truthful and honest with oneself, especially about the choices we consciously make.<br />
<br />
I started this blog not only to have a place to organize my thoughts and adventures, as well as a place to vent and ramble sometimes, but mainly it was to make sure I always stay honest. Most of these things I don't even want to talk about with my friends, nor do I want to put a lot of thought into myself. But I do need to make sure it's recorded here on the principle that I face my choices. I can't hide from them... I can't look away forever.<br />
<br />
I'm not proud of a lot of things I decide to do, but aren't we all like that? We all make stupid decisions sometimes. Maybe they can be actual mistakes or maybe they're made with absolute confidence despite us knowing we may regret it later.<br />
<br />
Right now, I don't think I'll regret this. But after it happens, who knows? Life is a learning process. We gotta keep things interesting. ;)Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-36355437378364552942011-10-20T17:27:00.000-04:002011-10-20T17:27:27.498-04:00Here we go.(I can't believe I wrote that helluva long post about a fucking lobster.)<br />
<br />
Dr. Shark texted me last night after almost a week of no contact. We chatted about life... He said he misses me. We also got on topic about our sexual relationship since it was oh-so-awesome, and he had this to say: "I'm terrified of the quality of sex that I am losing the rest of my life." <br />
<br />
Well, well, well. You didn't have to lose it, buddy.<br />
<br />
I'm meeting a guy I met online for sushi tonight. We'd been e-mailing for a little while. He seems nice, though not core-shaking. I wasn't even going to blog about it unless anything became of it... I feel so discouraged and unenthusiastic, but I'd canceled on him once already and he seems at least like a nice enough guy to be friends with. And maybe that's what I need right now--Guy friends, not a boyfriend.<br />
<br />
Sigh. Such a long hard day at work of acting all smiley and friendly... And now I have to dress nice and put on a good face some more? Sheesh. <br />
<br />
<i>Whoawhoawhoa</i>. I really need to change my attitude before the date! I'm sure after a power nap and a shower will improve my happy scale. I am excited to meet someone new and start fresh. I am I am I am.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-54603354642024413352011-10-19T23:03:00.000-04:002011-10-19T23:03:12.062-04:00I've seen the eyes of Satan.So I've been having a lot of nightmares lately... which isn't all that surprising since an unsettled heart tends to breed an unsettling subconscious. They're not the kind of nightmares being chased around the dark city by a masked villain (although I don't particularly want those in my life either), but the kind that make you wake up in cold sweat with your heart pounding through the sheets and immediately have tears pouring out of your eyes. And you can't remember why all this physical melodrama occurred until later in the day when your mind provides you with slumbered images and feelings.<br />
<br />
Don't you just want to slash these kinds of dreams up with a chainsaw?<br />
<br />
Anyway, I know my dream last night was about Dr. Shark though I don't remember the details. He might have been there in physical form, or merely as just an idea. But as much as he has affected my life, that one idea can crush mountains.<br />
<br />
I heard that sleep studies found that, on average, humans have at least seven dreams in one night but we really only remember one or two if any at all. So the "big picture" of my restless sleep last night was, duh, of Dr. Shark. But the visual aspect of my slumber that I do remember is of.... a lobster.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ7nnfBh1q-ddws8p9u9j1G_U992JsTuF6SztbpRXbKxjf_BNu50QoXHyIwASbXXBUsApPrcPfLvjVDibsMKMVhyLAGLSo5-kMYd3a9d1wOKLelxHRhPVGYNjbMR8kYSDTDrwXkjp660E/s1600/lobster.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="141" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ7nnfBh1q-ddws8p9u9j1G_U992JsTuF6SztbpRXbKxjf_BNu50QoXHyIwASbXXBUsApPrcPfLvjVDibsMKMVhyLAGLSo5-kMYd3a9d1wOKLelxHRhPVGYNjbMR8kYSDTDrwXkjp660E/s200/lobster.gif" width="200" /></a><br />
<br />
Yes, I was haunted by the ugly, little, red, delicious crustacean of the sea. <br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Literally</i> haunted, mind you, not just metaphorically in terms of this post. So as to keep my thoughts in order and to curb as much confusion as possible, I'm going to write my dream in a blocked quote box, k? Here we go, folks...<br />
<br />
<br />
<blockquote><em>My friends and I are gathered together for one of our lovely, cozy seafood nights. One of us brings live crabs, another some shrimp, and another pounds upon pounds of Cajun crawfish. Dee-licious! We cook, we drink, and--most importantly--we eat and devour. We fill our bellies to our hearts content and we're joyous and merry with good company. Afterwards, we start cleaning up our platefuls of empty shellfish and wiping down the tables. I go to dump some exoskeleton chunks into a trash bag when--lo and behold--I see a lobster staring up at me from it! He's a poor, emaciated lad, mostly an ugly faded pink color instead of the vibrant red of a healthy crustacean. But he's definitely alive... and staring at me with his black, beady eyes.</em><br />
<br />
<em>Naturally, I flip a shit. Admittedly, this shit that's been flipped is a little bit more dramatic and superfluous than a simple rogue lobster should warrant--but this is a dream afterall and things can be over-the-top! So as I'm standing in a corner, screaming and crying my head off, one of my friends spears the dying lobster with a stick and quickly removes it from my sight. I calm down and life goes on. </em></blockquote><blockquote><em>Where it actually goes in my dream, I'm not sure, but wherever I happened to be... that fucking grumpy lobster was there. Staring at me. Dying. But still staring and refusing to die while doing so. And Dream Me never felt safe again. </em></blockquote><blockquote><em>The End.</em></blockquote><br />
What the fuck does this all mean?! <br />
<br />
I've read too many astrological and dream interpretation books as an angsty teen to believe it has no meaning. I don't think about lobsters on a daily basis and rarely ever get to eat one, and have never ever killed one. So why is there a near-death, seemingly angry and judgemental lobster following me around in Slumberland? What is it trying to achieve?<br />
<br />
I guess we should analyze the lobster in relation to humans and our society. What do lobsters signify to us? Well, they're deliciously tender and are typically considered to feed the most top class of us; I always picture whole cooked lobster sitting on a bed of greens atop a $5,000 china plate. But this is irrelevant since I didn't actually eat the lobster in my dream. What else could it symbolize?<br />
<br />
Ah. Ross and Rachel. <br />
<br />
You know what I'm talking about, people of Earth. Phoebe said it best: "It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples walking around their tank, you know, holding claws."<br />
<br />
The night is not long enough for me to delve into the symbolism behind the dying lobster chained to haunt subconscious Mizkay. And conscious Mizkay is currently so freakin' tired.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJnYkMPkPfgJweisKyr7RCEEOr7H94Af_pdw2J9m5mGVyWgyL-h0SCcpOnClLdYH4dCe6EFzGSh1dKow_bMnIFoX_0BlMhDQ0oQaqeEoppHwDR_RSBp_FOYmO9ORNPaMBfM2aAdKJemTc/s1600/Ross+and+Rachel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJnYkMPkPfgJweisKyr7RCEEOr7H94Af_pdw2J9m5mGVyWgyL-h0SCcpOnClLdYH4dCe6EFzGSh1dKow_bMnIFoX_0BlMhDQ0oQaqeEoppHwDR_RSBp_FOYmO9ORNPaMBfM2aAdKJemTc/s320/Ross+and+Rachel.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><strong>He's her lobster.</strong></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-16687534943262453732011-10-15T13:05:00.001-04:002011-10-26T14:25:15.018-04:00Transition...I feel like I'm constantly torn between two ideas, circumstances, or viewpoints. The big picture is: I need to distract myself from thinking about him or re-playing our past or fantasizing about a hopeless nonexistent future because all these things are harmful to me. I finally understand it well enough that thoughts of our future have pretty much ceased (perhaps that's the closest to "closure" that I've ever gotten), but that doesn't stop me from remembering our good times and him being present in my thoughts in the simple "Wonder what he's up to" ways.<br />
<br />
Even the last time that I saw him a few days ago, when I forced him to drive all the way to my house just so I could see his face while we talked about serious things (since there's only so much you can gather from a phone conversation), I can file away as a "good time." It would be so much easier to move on, get over him, if he were just a fucking jerk like, well, J(erk)! But, alas, Dr. Shark is not a jerk. <br />
<br />
He was patient, understanding, and a good listener like he's always been. But he remained firm in his opinions of himself and romantic relationships in that he just didn't want and can't handle them. He didn't see what was happening between us at that moment as a break up like I did... He saw it as a natural transition into friendship since that's all it could be, unless I wanted to cut off communication completely (to which he said he would understand). <br />
<br />
Seeing his face while hearing his words made me finally get it. He's one of those unattainable guys that girls like me will always long for... but I can no longer allow myself to fall vulnerable to it. <br />
<br />
While he was on his way to my house (takes about an hour and a half driving time), I paced back and forth, solidifying my convictions. I was going to get all the answers about his ex-girlfriend and his future baby that I needed to help me move on. I was going to drain every ounce of his thoughts on why he didn't see us making it as a couple. I was going to punish him by letting him see how much he hurt me by even coming into my life and now trying to leave it as if nothing had happened.<br />
<br />
I was so convinced that I could accomplish all this...<br />
<br />
...Until he walked in my door and immediately wrapped me in his long, solid arms. "I'm sorry I was so grumpy with you," he mumbled into my hair as my face pressed up against his chest. <br />
<br />
<i>Goddamnhim</i>. <br />
<br />
I couldn't stop shaking after that. I expected him to be short with me and only give monosyllabic answers to my questions... Basically, I imagined the evening to resemble an interrogation room. But for the first half hour or so, he had to try to get me to talk while I fought back the tears that I swore I wouldn't show him. He spoke to me like he would to an injured animal (which I imagine he has experience of since he's single-handedly rescued and brought two abandoned kittens to the glorious lives they both currently have with him, so sexy), and offered gentle and kind words of not so gentle and kind ideas. <br />
<br />
Maybe he saw that there was no way to get me to open up at that moment because I was so terrified and confused, so he reached over and embraced me on the couch. We sat there for a moment and I didn't want--no, couldn't--let him go. He pulled away slightly so we could see each other's faces... and then I slid my hand behind his neck and pulled him in to kiss me.<br />
<br />
There was no reluctance or hesitation from either of us. The millisecond his lips reached mine we hungrily went for it. Thinking back, he probably wanted it too... if anything, to at least break the tension. But he wouldn't have made the first move in fear of hurting me anymore. <i>Goddamnhim</i> and his niceness. There was one point before the actual sex that he breathily asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this, and I replied by unzipping his pants.<br />
<br />
Needless to say, it was the most intense sex of my life. We've always had really, really great sex, but this night and many of them leading up to it was so tense and emotional that there wasn't any possible way that it wouldn't be crazy. <br />
<br />
We were able to relax and have good, friendly conversation after tha (about not so good or friendly things), and we even cooked breakfast-for-dinner together. It was reminiscent of our first "date" when I also cooked chocolate chip pancakes for him, although that time was for actual breakfast. If decades from now he can only remember two things about me, I hope that he remembers how good I was in both the bedroom and the kitchen! I kind of take pride in my ability in both. <br />
<br />
When he finally had to leave, he kissed me on the lips and told me that this wasn't goodbye. We didn't really establish what would happen... although I know that romantic, emotional attachment to him is now useless, so I feel that that evening accomplished what I needed. Maybe we can remain friends, maybe we can't. But it's not something that we can consciously decide to do in one night. These things take time.<br />
<br />
So, back to what I was saying at the beginning of this post, I need distractions. I'm joining some fitness classes and hanging out with friends more, but I feel that that's not enough. But is it safe or smart to try to start dating again so soon? That might be giving any future suitors the shit end of the stick...Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-6372766584032099862011-10-13T22:30:00.001-04:002011-10-26T14:25:41.729-04:00Well, that's that."Do you ever feel, you know, soulfully empty or alone? Do you not want a deeper connection to someone?" I asked.<br />
<br />
"No," he replied.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-65760793116486297402011-10-10T11:36:00.000-04:002011-10-10T11:36:21.570-04:00Just a brief.Sorry for not posting in a while. My week has consisted of drama, silence, confusion, paranoia, jealousy, bouts of depression and anger, longing for sweet sweet death... Ha, not really, but you get the picture.<br />
<br />
I'm not inspired enough by anything to write.<br />
<br />
I feel like things will continue on this bleak path for a while longer. This has definitely been the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but my life up until a couple of years ago (when I started actually dating men) was never, ever this dramatic. I always watched and supported my friends through their heartaches and strife, but never was I one of the players.<br />
<br />
This has been making me learn more things about myself... but they're not necessarily good things.<br />
<br />
I just want the pain to be over.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-15771664234326142182011-10-03T13:10:00.000-04:002011-10-03T13:10:18.646-04:00What do you do when the guy you've fallen hopelessly and irrationally for tells you his ex-girlfriend is pregnant and it might be his?<br />
<br />
<br />
I only see stars.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-37218205384340825642011-09-30T12:31:00.000-04:002011-09-30T12:31:20.514-04:00Must not confuse lust for love.No need to fear, Internetties: I didn't become a Dr. Shark killer in the last couple of days. He actually came through and we had a jolly good time the other night, as limited as it was (we had like four hours together, which included two hours driving together). It was about enough time to have an intense sex session followed by some wonderful pillow talk/cuddling.<br />
<br />
I use the phrase "enough time" loosely as it certainly wasn't actually enough to make me feel completely satisfied... but it's all he could give me before making the trek home.<br />
<br />
He's the first guy with whom I actually want to spend all my moments, and that scares the bejesus out of me. Is it just my biological clock telling me to prepare myself for the eventual natural cycle of wifehood and motherdom, or is it him as a person that makes me want to begin that next phase of my life? Either reasoning is frightening since I feel like I'm still so young and not yet wise enough to get into all that, but if I had to choose either or... I choose the first option.<br />
<br />
Because no matter how I feel or how I sometimes delude myself into thinking he feels too, Dr. Shark is <i>abso-FUCKING-lutely</i> not ready--not wanting--not thinking about any of that, even and especially with me.<br />
<br />
Rege and I have plans to hang out tomorrow.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-62859767050404758382011-09-27T11:53:00.000-04:002011-09-27T11:53:34.454-04:00Right vs Left Brain: Weak or Strong?Had a brutally--almost painfully--honest conversation with Dr. Shark last night. We were supposed to hang out but while texting me throughout the day it was becoming clear that he just wasn't in the mood to really socialize. He had a shitty day, I had a shitty day. But I still wanted to see him... so understandably, I was miffed, disappointed, and upset.<br />
<br />
I asked him some pretty difficult questions when we were on the phone with one another later in the evening, after I had talked myself off the ledge (it wasn't solely because of the boy; there are some other struggles in my life right now).<br />
<br />
Topics we covered:<br />
- <i>Remind me again why you're so opposed to relationships?</i><br />
<i>- What comes to mind when you think of me?</i><br />
<i>- If I were to try to end things... Would you let me go or would you try to keep me in your life?</i><br />
<i>- Would you ever get back together with your ex-girlfriend?</i><br />
<i> </i><br />
<i> </i>And yes, some of his responses felt like daggers to the heart.<br />
<br />
I should flee, I really should. I'm hyper-emotional and he's the complete opposite, and we both know that it's becoming an issue of him unintentionally hurting me. He says that he only makes choices based on logic, not emotion, and that he knows that it bothers most people in his life. Maybe I could bring myself to believe him a little bit if I hadn't slept with another self-proclaimed "logics only" guy who was in the process of getting married. Why go through the crazy circus process of a wedding and vowing eternal love and devotion to another human being if you only think logically? These days, especially, I don't see much reason in getting married.<br />
<br />
Because I like Dr. Shark so damn much, I have to trust him to tell me the truth. But I can't help thinking, just the teeniest bit, that all he spews is bullshit... just like every other guy I've known.<br />
<br />
He said that what we have is what he wants right now but he doesn't think what we have is good for me, which I totally agree with. Lately, I feel more hurt than happy with him, and after J(erk) I told myself that whenever and if-ever it gets to this point with a man I would remove myself from the situtation.<br />
<br />
Easier said than done, says present-day me!<br />
<br />
Well, let's see if Dr. S follows through with coming up to see me today and then let's figure things out. If he cancels on me again... Prepare to follow a very messy murder investigation on the news. (Just kidding... Evidence would be so well-hidden, no one would be the wiser. Hehe)Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-78529097957261898362011-09-23T16:35:00.001-04:002011-09-27T11:06:17.889-04:00Orange is the new pink.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMwqHqNo9MRRx0omsUaul1bLutIOqS4SIOgFqCxpJb7VL-iBCNoTss8dm4FhOS-csLunUEOi0-FUl3IO93dRR6Swcl6Cusi-w3Xv6Sw7lVgPMoCvaj8dQarwrwxMgfRHN796NklI4CfCc/s1600/Autumn+Road.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMwqHqNo9MRRx0omsUaul1bLutIOqS4SIOgFqCxpJb7VL-iBCNoTss8dm4FhOS-csLunUEOi0-FUl3IO93dRR6Swcl6Cusi-w3Xv6Sw7lVgPMoCvaj8dQarwrwxMgfRHN796NklI4CfCc/s320/Autumn+Road.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Happy first day of Fall!<br />
<br />
Despite my body's aversion to any temperature lower than 90 degrees Fahrenheit since my climate of choice the past couple of weeks was tropical, we're officially on our way to my favorite time of the year. And even though today's high in my fair Southern city was still in the 80s and the air was sticky from summer humidity, the morning was cool and breezy and orange is starting to sprinkle the trees.<br />
<br />
It's a time for drinking apple cider, darning cute scarves and booties, and driving with the windows down blaring Simon and Garfunkel. I want to frolic in a pumpkin patch (preferably with a lover), throw fallen leaves at them, and kiss in the setting sun that only seems to be that perfect deep orangey-red that it turns during this rotation of the planet.<br />
<br />
Ideal and silly, yes. But autumn just sparks a new spirit in me that seems to die down a little by the summer time (it's no wonder with how crazy hot and miserable it gets here!). For me, Autumn is my Spring: It's a time to start fresh and wake up from some kind of dormancy or hibernation.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZbSf-_h_GmA5DjKv85YyoqosO_ALnEQ7NndFMFQEJYrBmCRAsVJD8OhiWxpX3OoIPQm96nRDkOylFUuKf6dlSIk1txB6S3fSNEwM0ngoPPkL6-u3o8YCvy1A9n7V6MQhH1ob-UQxJCrQ/s1600/Bowl+of+soup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZbSf-_h_GmA5DjKv85YyoqosO_ALnEQ7NndFMFQEJYrBmCRAsVJD8OhiWxpX3OoIPQm96nRDkOylFUuKf6dlSIk1txB6S3fSNEwM0ngoPPkL6-u3o8YCvy1A9n7V6MQhH1ob-UQxJCrQ/s200/Bowl+of+soup.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Your band-aid to Life.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I'm a bit of an amateur foodie (meaning: I love to eat and cook anything and everything) so I'm very much looking forward to the comfort of soups. Is there anything better than diving into and soothing your senses with the perfect bowl of rich, warm soup? All your woes and aches, both body and soul, seem to wash away with every spoonful.<br />
<br />
Not to say those troubles won't find their way back to you once you've heartbreakingly scraped the bottom of the bowl... But at least for those glorious few minutes you can feel at peace and at home.<br />
<br />
Maybe I'll use this time to really reflect on what I need and want out of life. My friends and family are always asking me what my plans are or where I'll be in the future, but I can never whole-heartedly give them an answer. I brush them off with a "Psh, planning is stupid. Planning is for tight-asses." But life is short... Too short to be too impulsive or lazy. We all deserve to be a little selfish.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-38134335975844453142011-09-22T15:32:00.000-04:002011-09-22T15:32:14.118-04:00Battle time.Dr. Shark and I had our first fight last night.<br />
<br />
I was going through an existential crisis because earlier in the day is when Rege told me he never saw me as dating material (see <a href="http://theuglykardashian.blogspot.com/2011/09/flair-of-flava.html">previous post</a>), and that caused me to re-evaluate my status with the Doc. Every now and then we have this discussion, so it was time to check in again anyway.<br />
<br />
Except, this time, I probably went about it the wrong way... pushed too many buttons, backed him into a corner.<br />
<br />
He gave me the same answer as always: <i>You're great... but I still stand by what I've been saying... I need to be single... If you want to move on, I'll understand.</i><br />
<br />
I should've expected this because he never offered me anything different. I'd always feel pangs of hurt and contemplate ending things right then and there, but the desire and need to have him in my life always weighed more than the alternative. He'd be patient with me on the phone--letting me struggle in silence for a bit, talk it out. But we'd always return to the friends/lovers/talk-to-each-other-everyday relationship limbo, and I would push my pain and my hesitation aside until the next time.<br />
<br />
Last night, though, I was in no mood to let it slide. I kind of took the role of a victim (which I never do). After that horrid conversation with Rege (whom I don't really have feelings for anymore, but it never feels like winning the lottery when someone says stuff like that to you) and now this with Dr. Shark, I was feeling down in the dumps and sad beyond words.<br />
<br />
Maybe he was having a bad day too, or maybe he felt shocked to learn that I still talked to the likes of Rege, but whatever it was, Dr. Shark pushed me right back. He said: <i>I'm walking away.</i><br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHflvoj-OuH-fE0L-nwI-EiXKTHvYPuYdZCJT793veTEw5v-6blYfl46GZd_fs6imT8TbrZ4SH1hAYVZbLvbAdevn6V31xiLfTqBe7s6r8GhscpCU_-hQs2LA12t-qt7hefetD5FAPnSI/s1600/tiedye.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHflvoj-OuH-fE0L-nwI-EiXKTHvYPuYdZCJT793veTEw5v-6blYfl46GZd_fs6imT8TbrZ4SH1hAYVZbLvbAdevn6V31xiLfTqBe7s6r8GhscpCU_-hQs2LA12t-qt7hefetD5FAPnSI/s200/tiedye.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">--swirlyswirlswirls of feelings--</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I'm not sure what or how I felt. I had to put on a face because I was meeting my parents for dinner, but it was hard to do through the tears that just wouldn't stop leaking out of my eyes (my haggardly look I blamed on jet lag and exhaustion to them, which was partly true). To this moment, I still can't pinpoint the thoughts and emotions that raced through me when he said that. Panic? Relief? Heartbreak? Anger? Disappointment? Concession?--It's interesting that one person can feel so many things at the crack of an instance. If I had to use colors to describe this phenomenon, I might use tie-dye as an example: So many colors swirling around together with no beginning, no end, no order, no real distinction. <br />
<br />
While I sat there trying to swallow the food my mom so selflessly made for my visit, which unfortunately felt like lumps of ash in my mouth, he texted an apology: "I got upset. I'm sorry."<br />
<br />
So we're made up, temporarily. I won't get to see him at all until at least next week (another point for my aggression towards him), and if we have anymore heated conversations over the phone or text I'm going to punt a baby, so I'm going to try to control my emotions the best I can. He might not deserve that, but like I said... I don't want to lose him yet, and certainly not in this way.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-610418720179822232011-09-21T11:30:00.000-04:002011-09-21T11:30:56.317-04:00A flair of flava.He actually said that no, he didn't think I was dating material, but that I was "still super cool, hot, and fun to play with."<br />
<br />
I am just an exotic plaything for men <br />
<br />
My best friend has always told me to date black men or any other man of color. My preferred flavor has been vanilla, particularly ones with roots in this region, but maybe I'm starting to see her point. No matter how relatable I am to them philosophically, intelligently, economically, I will always seem different because I look different and yes, my parents are different than theirs. They can never outright admit that race is an issue because it would make them look bad, and I agree that's it's probably not our races, but our cultural backgrounds at least. It doesn't matter that I sometimes prefer grits over rice or that I love burgers and pizza like any other American... It freaks them out that my parents and I speak a different language to each other and that if we ever were to procreate, our kids might look slightly different than them (but much cuter, in my opinion).<br />
<br />
I know that's one of the reasons J(erk) never took me seriously. He could never imagine introducing me to his conservative, traditional, all-American, football-lovin' family, all of whom he is very close to. On the other hand, he was a hit with his friends who all saw me as that exotic wildflower.<br />
<br />
What a life conundrum! It really is time to move out of this place.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-42232240944727190452011-09-20T15:44:00.001-04:002011-09-21T11:45:16.871-04:00Happy birthday.And in all honesty... When I turned my phone back on, I was actually hoping for a text from J(erk).<br />
<br />
My birthday had passed a few days before and I know that he knows that. My last birthday was spent in his arms. I also know that it's been about nine months since he ripped himself away from my life, and most of this time I'd spent hating him. <br />
<br />
But I was hoping for him to use this one day out all the days to reach out and reconcile. It's asking too much of him since I know him to be one of the most stubborn, prideful men... But if he had any ounce of kindness in him, I was hoping he could use some on me for once.<br />
<br />
I'm so tired of hating him.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476689908671786591.post-64100649496384098382011-09-20T15:34:00.000-04:002011-09-20T15:34:49.535-04:00Too short of an escape.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4STdb2-U4dGJ_bFzY4pIU9REQ11YP_KRq061HWyyvp9hDNrDj4O5CZBVSAXo2DWSADsLUT2COWpxNHKh7mm5jzY7p10RulxlGYStHFxiux2D8NXoe3eQ5ZW6U8zoauvIPCg_VCjUJnUI/s1600/Kuta+Beach.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4STdb2-U4dGJ_bFzY4pIU9REQ11YP_KRq061HWyyvp9hDNrDj4O5CZBVSAXo2DWSADsLUT2COWpxNHKh7mm5jzY7p10RulxlGYStHFxiux2D8NXoe3eQ5ZW6U8zoauvIPCg_VCjUJnUI/s400/Kuta+Beach.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
This is where I was the past two weeks. No muss, no fuss, and--most importantly--<b>no men</b>.<br />
<br />
Back to life and reality now though. I wish I could have left my cell phone off for a few more days, but with having to go back to work the very next day and family wanting to catch up since I missed my birthday while out of the coutnry, I knew that it wouldn't be acceptable to stay disconnected.<br />
<br />
So once I got home and thanked the stars everything stayed the way I'd left it (i.e. there were no drifters nesting in my living room), I plugged in the battery charger to my phone and waited to see what or who had sent me anything obscene while I was away. I was totally put in my place immediately because I'd only gotten one text message and voicemail from my best friend who wanted to wish me a happy birthday. But I also got one text from Dr. Shark earlier that day, welcoming me back home.<br />
<br />
That was a total pleasant surprise. During my entire trip (well, during the few times I wasn't involved in some tropical adventure and had time to dwell and ponder) I imagined an embarrassingly countless number of scenarios involving my possible reconnection/reunion with Dr. Shark. We hadn't left things on a perfect note because he hadn't been able to see me like he said he would, and I was nervous that these two weeks away would be a chance for him to actually get away from me. On the other hand, we're both believers in that "distance makes the heart fonder" bullshit since we already have distance to wrestle with on a daily basis, so maybe these couple of weeks of complete blackout silence would somehow make him want me more.<br />
<br />
The best case scenario that the dark, love-is-cruel part of my brain could come up with is that he would maybe remember to text me a week or two after I'd returned, if he remembered at all. I was determined not to send him an "I'm back!" text because I wanted to prove that I have some pride and self restraint too. Plus, I wasn't completely certain that he would even want to hear from me. He assured me before I left that he would "see me soon" and that he would miss me... But it's all just words.<br />
<br />
Guys and their words... Destructive weapons.<br />
<br />
So to not only have a text waiting for me from him, but on the exact same day that I said I would be arriving... It definitely fluttered my heartstrings a little bit. I hadn't mentioned the date during our last conversations but in ones previous to those, so for him to remember sort of blew my mind. Okay, okay, that sounds a bit extreme, but I've been trained to expect as little as possible from men. (Clearly, I'm damaged!)<br />
<br />
He wasn't able to call me until today because he had run out of minutes (talking to who?--I wonder...), and we could only chat for a minute or two since we were both at work, but I think he wanted to hear my voice as much as I wanted to hear his. His text messages sounded tired (if that makes any sense) and a little grumpy, but hearing his voice and laughter totally brightened my jet lagged tired ass up. I didn't think too much about him while on vacation because one of my goals of the trip was to just have a good time with my girlfriends and not think about sad things, but when I did, I always had to question <b>us</b>. Do I really want to "waste" my time and energy with a person who is with me yet not with me? Do I really want to make my heart that vulnerable again? Does my happiness with him like three-four days a month make up for the misery of not being with him ninety percent of the days? Do I really want to be with a person who won't acknowledge knowing me? (He once called me his "dirty little secret.")<br />
<br />
Stupid girl, I am.<br />
<br />
Even stupider since I've been dirty texting with Rege while at work today. He wants to meet up, preferably tonight, but I said no. Not for moral or righteous reasons (who has time to be moral or righteous these days anyway?) but because I'm jet lagged, my house is a mess, I need a wax, and I'm on my period. I haven't been laid in like three weeks and I'm as horny as a monkey (I saw some up close while on vacation, and monkeys are so naughty!) so if it were just one or two of those I would totally be up for it... but four miserable components equal one out of commission girl.<br />
<br />
Wish I were back on the island.Mizkayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17158715056508439614noreply@blogger.com2