Good riddance, 2011

I don't know about y'all, but I'm totally ready for the new year to start. Aching for it, actually!

Yes, I'm one of those folks who wistfully believes that when midnight strikes on a spankin' new calendar year, things can and will be different. It's all about a fresh start, a clean slate. Of course, it's also all in your own individual minds and souls, and some may argue that you can consciously choose for a new beginning at any moment in your life. But something about New Year's brings hope to my sometimes hopeless life.

At least there's still opportunity for hope, right? Even if it's just once a year!

Last year, I brought in the new year among strangers, in a strange city, while my best friend was tangled up on the couch with her then-ambiguous-hookup-guy-now-husband.

Yes, BFF is married now.

She eloped on Christmas Eve Eve.

Can we talk about that in another post though? I think I've gotten over the initial shock, but I may still be too fragile to talk about the girl that I've known for over decade--the one who decorated my school locker every year for my birthday, and passed notebooks full of giggly, emotional notes about boys and glitter ink with--who is now a married woman. (To a guy I don't fully approve of. Ouch.)

Anyway, back to my point, last New Year's was pretty horrendous. I was all dressed up prettily and surrounded by people I could have been socializing and laughing with, but I had never felt so alone and miserable. I was still stuck in the bowels of my break up with J(erk), and still letting myself think about him during once-in-a-lifetime moments such as the first midnight of 2011, even if it was clear that he wasn't thinking about me.

I should've known that most of the moments following that one would be just as lonely, miserable, and confusing, seeing as how the year started.

What is it about fireworks that seems so magical?

That's why I want the first midnight of 2012 to be different. I need this year to be different! My thoughts will most likely still be consisted of a large concentration of boys (though about Dr. Shark this time), but my setting will be different. I don't want to be surrounded by drunk, wild, sketchy strangers. I originally thought it would be safest and smartest to sleep through it all in the comfort of my own bed, but even I know that's kind of depressing since I'd always made a point to celebrate NYE big and proud.

I'll be driving to the coast with just one girlfriend in tow, and we'll toast champagne while watching the fireworks over the pier. She's had a rough year, and you all know that I've had one as well. We've both leaned on each other for support when our hearts felt too heavy to bear, and I know that I would be honored and happy to spend a quiet New Year's with such a friend as her.

So, here's to a new beginning, y'all. I hope that however or wherever you spend yours, that it brings you peace, happiness, and the opportunity for a fresh start! Sometimes we all just need the opportunity.

A flair of flava.

He actually said that no, he didn't think I was dating material, but that I was "still super cool, hot, and fun to play with."

I am just an exotic plaything for men

My best friend has always told me to date black men or any other man of color. My preferred flavor has been vanilla, particularly ones with roots in this region, but maybe I'm starting to see her point. No matter how relatable I am to them philosophically, intelligently, economically, I will always seem different because I look different and yes, my parents are different than theirs. They can never outright admit that race is an issue because it would make them look bad, and I agree that's it's probably not our races, but our cultural backgrounds at least. It doesn't matter that I sometimes prefer grits over rice or that I love burgers and pizza like any other American... It freaks them out that my parents and I speak a different language to each other and that if we ever were to procreate, our kids might look slightly different than them (but much cuter, in my opinion).

I know that's one of the reasons J(erk) never took me seriously. He could never imagine introducing me to his conservative, traditional, all-American, football-lovin' family, all of whom he is very close to. On the other hand, he was a hit with his friends who all saw me as that exotic wildflower.

What a life conundrum! It really is time to move out of this place.

Happy birthday.

And in all honesty... When I turned my phone back on, I was actually hoping for a text from J(erk).

My birthday had passed a few days before and I know that he knows that. My last birthday was spent in his arms. I also know that it's been about nine months since he ripped himself away from my life, and most of this time I'd spent hating him.

But I was hoping for him to use this one day out all the days to reach out and reconcile. It's asking too much of him since I know him to be one of the most stubborn, prideful men... But if he had any ounce of kindness in him, I was hoping he could use some on me for once.

I'm so tired of hating him.