Too short of an escape.

This is where I was the past two weeks. No muss, no fuss, and--most importantly--no men.

Back to life and reality now though. I wish I could have left my cell phone off for a few more days, but with having to go back to work the very next day and family wanting to catch up since I missed my birthday while out of the coutnry, I knew that it wouldn't be acceptable to stay disconnected.

So once I got home and thanked the stars everything stayed the way I'd left it (i.e. there were no drifters nesting in my living room), I plugged in the battery charger to my phone and waited to see what or who had sent me anything obscene while I was away. I was totally put in my place immediately because I'd only gotten one text message and voicemail from my best friend who wanted to wish me a happy birthday. But I also got one text from Dr. Shark earlier that day, welcoming me back home.

That was a total pleasant surprise. During my entire trip (well, during the few times I wasn't involved in some tropical adventure and had time to dwell and ponder) I imagined an embarrassingly countless number of scenarios involving my possible reconnection/reunion with Dr. Shark. We hadn't left things on a perfect note because he hadn't been able to see me like he said he would, and I was nervous that these two weeks away would be a chance for him to actually get away from me. On the other hand, we're both believers in that "distance makes the heart fonder" bullshit since we already have distance to wrestle with on a daily basis, so maybe these couple of weeks of complete blackout silence would somehow make him want me more.

The best case scenario that the dark, love-is-cruel part of my brain could come up with is that he would maybe remember to text me a week or two after I'd returned, if he remembered at all. I was determined not to send him an "I'm back!" text because I wanted to prove that I have some pride and self restraint too. Plus, I wasn't completely certain that he would even want to hear from me. He assured me before I left that he would "see me soon" and that he would miss me... But it's all just words.

Guys and their words... Destructive weapons.

So to not only have a text waiting for me from him, but on the exact same day that I said I would be arriving... It definitely fluttered my heartstrings a little bit. I hadn't mentioned the date during our last conversations but in ones previous to those, so for him to remember sort of blew my mind. Okay, okay, that sounds a bit extreme, but I've been trained to expect as little as possible from men. (Clearly, I'm damaged!)

He wasn't able to call me until today because he had run out of minutes (talking to who?--I wonder...), and we could only chat for a minute or two since we were both at work, but I think he wanted to hear my voice as much as I wanted to hear his. His text messages sounded tired (if that makes any sense) and a little grumpy, but hearing his voice and laughter totally brightened my jet lagged tired ass up. I didn't think too much about him while on vacation because one of my goals of the trip was to just have a good time with my girlfriends and not think about sad things, but when I did, I always had to question us. Do I really want to "waste" my time and energy with a person who is with me yet not with me? Do I really want to make my heart that vulnerable again? Does my happiness with him like three-four days a month make up for the misery of not being with him ninety percent of the days? Do I really want to be with a person who won't acknowledge knowing me? (He once called me his "dirty little secret.")

Stupid girl, I am.

Even stupider since I've been dirty texting with Rege while at work today. He wants to meet up, preferably tonight, but I said no. Not for moral or righteous reasons (who has time to be moral or righteous these days anyway?) but because I'm jet lagged, my house is a mess, I need a wax, and I'm on my period. I haven't been laid in like three weeks and I'm as horny as a monkey (I saw some up close while on vacation, and monkeys are so naughty!) so if it were just one or two of those I would totally be up for it... but four miserable components equal one out of commission girl.

Wish I were back on the island.

The-Day-After Analysis.

I've had an entire day to wonder about my actions with Ace yesterday. What's done is done and there's not a damn thing I can do to change it, so I didn't laboriously suffer with guilt or regret for too long. I just wanted to get to the bottom of my decision to actually say yes to him coming over after all these months of rejecting him.

When I texted him an a-okay to hang out after work, I was in the mindset that there actually might have been even the tiniest glimmer of hope that he was telling the truth; he had been trying to convince me to let him come over by saying that he wanted "to talk about us" and he "missed me" and even though he's been afraid to commit that he "really likes me a lot." I didn't feel the same way, which is surprising for me, but sometimes a girl likes to hear shit like that... even from a guy she doesn't see as worthy and especially when she's been feeling lonely and neglected.

Dr. Shark has been too preoccupied with work and wanting to be a loner to call or text me much this week, and when he has it's been half-assed and unemotional.

I don't condone what I've done. Technically I'm available to see whomever I please and to my knowledge so is Ace (although honestly I don't know much about him nor do I care to know), but in my heart I feel like I've done something wrong. There's no way I can tell Dr. Shark about it... Even though he wouldn't be able to justifiably "dump" me for that, I'm sure hurt feelings cannot be avoided.

And I'm terrified that those hurt feelings would be enough to alter my universe entirely.

I'm so angry at Ace for putting me in this situation and I know that even he feels that it wasn't right. Afterwards, he saw me blankly staring at the ceiling above my bed and he asked what was going through my mind. I must've looked really conflicted for a guy like that to want to know my inner thoughts!

Me: I don't know. I guess I'm feeling a little guilty.
Ace: Oh, because of your guy? There's no reason to feel guilty. Guilt's a stupid feeling.
Me: So you never feel guilty?
Ace: Sure, I do. Right now I feel guilty because I feel like I talked you into doing something you didn't want to do.

Gee, thanks. Thanks for acknowledging the fact that you went into this knowing that you'd basically be twisting my arm!

I can't blame him completely though. While the surface of my brain thought that we'd just chill and talk and catch up after all these months, a couple layers into this twisted mind and you'd find a girl who consciously jumps into the shower half an hour before his arrival to shave her legs and freshen her body. On this level she knew that he'd try to pull a move and she at least wanted to be prepared and presentable.

I never want to see Ace again.

On another note... Haven't heard from Dr. Shark in a couple of days and I'll be damned if I text or call first. Last week he mentioned maybe trying to hang out again before I leave the country for a couple of weeks, but there's less than a week for that to happen.

His birthday is in a few days and I ache to celebrate it with him. But all I can do is drop a humorous, casual card in the mail tomorrow so maybe it'll be delivered the day of. Even with our distance, both literal and this week's lack of communication, I want him to know that I care deeply for and about him but I want to appear that I'm still that cool, sexy chick that he met months ago. My biggest flaw is my tendency to need more than average attention... but I'm trying to fix that!