Good riddance, 2011

I don't know about y'all, but I'm totally ready for the new year to start. Aching for it, actually!

Yes, I'm one of those folks who wistfully believes that when midnight strikes on a spankin' new calendar year, things can and will be different. It's all about a fresh start, a clean slate. Of course, it's also all in your own individual minds and souls, and some may argue that you can consciously choose for a new beginning at any moment in your life. But something about New Year's brings hope to my sometimes hopeless life.

At least there's still opportunity for hope, right? Even if it's just once a year!

Last year, I brought in the new year among strangers, in a strange city, while my best friend was tangled up on the couch with her then-ambiguous-hookup-guy-now-husband.

Yes, BFF is married now.

She eloped on Christmas Eve Eve.

Can we talk about that in another post though? I think I've gotten over the initial shock, but I may still be too fragile to talk about the girl that I've known for over decade--the one who decorated my school locker every year for my birthday, and passed notebooks full of giggly, emotional notes about boys and glitter ink with--who is now a married woman. (To a guy I don't fully approve of. Ouch.)

Anyway, back to my point, last New Year's was pretty horrendous. I was all dressed up prettily and surrounded by people I could have been socializing and laughing with, but I had never felt so alone and miserable. I was still stuck in the bowels of my break up with J(erk), and still letting myself think about him during once-in-a-lifetime moments such as the first midnight of 2011, even if it was clear that he wasn't thinking about me.

I should've known that most of the moments following that one would be just as lonely, miserable, and confusing, seeing as how the year started.

What is it about fireworks that seems so magical?

That's why I want the first midnight of 2012 to be different. I need this year to be different! My thoughts will most likely still be consisted of a large concentration of boys (though about Dr. Shark this time), but my setting will be different. I don't want to be surrounded by drunk, wild, sketchy strangers. I originally thought it would be safest and smartest to sleep through it all in the comfort of my own bed, but even I know that's kind of depressing since I'd always made a point to celebrate NYE big and proud.

I'll be driving to the coast with just one girlfriend in tow, and we'll toast champagne while watching the fireworks over the pier. She's had a rough year, and you all know that I've had one as well. We've both leaned on each other for support when our hearts felt too heavy to bear, and I know that I would be honored and happy to spend a quiet New Year's with such a friend as her.

So, here's to a new beginning, y'all. I hope that however or wherever you spend yours, that it brings you peace, happiness, and the opportunity for a fresh start! Sometimes we all just need the opportunity.

Too short of an escape.

This is where I was the past two weeks. No muss, no fuss, and--most importantly--no men.

Back to life and reality now though. I wish I could have left my cell phone off for a few more days, but with having to go back to work the very next day and family wanting to catch up since I missed my birthday while out of the coutnry, I knew that it wouldn't be acceptable to stay disconnected.

So once I got home and thanked the stars everything stayed the way I'd left it (i.e. there were no drifters nesting in my living room), I plugged in the battery charger to my phone and waited to see what or who had sent me anything obscene while I was away. I was totally put in my place immediately because I'd only gotten one text message and voicemail from my best friend who wanted to wish me a happy birthday. But I also got one text from Dr. Shark earlier that day, welcoming me back home.

That was a total pleasant surprise. During my entire trip (well, during the few times I wasn't involved in some tropical adventure and had time to dwell and ponder) I imagined an embarrassingly countless number of scenarios involving my possible reconnection/reunion with Dr. Shark. We hadn't left things on a perfect note because he hadn't been able to see me like he said he would, and I was nervous that these two weeks away would be a chance for him to actually get away from me. On the other hand, we're both believers in that "distance makes the heart fonder" bullshit since we already have distance to wrestle with on a daily basis, so maybe these couple of weeks of complete blackout silence would somehow make him want me more.

The best case scenario that the dark, love-is-cruel part of my brain could come up with is that he would maybe remember to text me a week or two after I'd returned, if he remembered at all. I was determined not to send him an "I'm back!" text because I wanted to prove that I have some pride and self restraint too. Plus, I wasn't completely certain that he would even want to hear from me. He assured me before I left that he would "see me soon" and that he would miss me... But it's all just words.

Guys and their words... Destructive weapons.

So to not only have a text waiting for me from him, but on the exact same day that I said I would be arriving... It definitely fluttered my heartstrings a little bit. I hadn't mentioned the date during our last conversations but in ones previous to those, so for him to remember sort of blew my mind. Okay, okay, that sounds a bit extreme, but I've been trained to expect as little as possible from men. (Clearly, I'm damaged!)

He wasn't able to call me until today because he had run out of minutes (talking to who?--I wonder...), and we could only chat for a minute or two since we were both at work, but I think he wanted to hear my voice as much as I wanted to hear his. His text messages sounded tired (if that makes any sense) and a little grumpy, but hearing his voice and laughter totally brightened my jet lagged tired ass up. I didn't think too much about him while on vacation because one of my goals of the trip was to just have a good time with my girlfriends and not think about sad things, but when I did, I always had to question us. Do I really want to "waste" my time and energy with a person who is with me yet not with me? Do I really want to make my heart that vulnerable again? Does my happiness with him like three-four days a month make up for the misery of not being with him ninety percent of the days? Do I really want to be with a person who won't acknowledge knowing me? (He once called me his "dirty little secret.")

Stupid girl, I am.

Even stupider since I've been dirty texting with Rege while at work today. He wants to meet up, preferably tonight, but I said no. Not for moral or righteous reasons (who has time to be moral or righteous these days anyway?) but because I'm jet lagged, my house is a mess, I need a wax, and I'm on my period. I haven't been laid in like three weeks and I'm as horny as a monkey (I saw some up close while on vacation, and monkeys are so naughty!) so if it were just one or two of those I would totally be up for it... but four miserable components equal one out of commission girl.

Wish I were back on the island.