Sunday, November 27, 2011

Still here... barely

Like so many others that I read about in articles or blogs, talk to in person, or hear about from others, I've been feeling such a disconnect from everything. I'm absolutely capable of being functional at work, around my friends, around my family, keep a clean house, play with my cat, even go out for social functions when the occasion calls for it... But I just go through the motions. I do things like shower everyday, go to work, respond to texts, and put a smile on my face so as not to raise any red flags that something is, or something could eventually be terribly wrong.

Why can't I feel a flash of sparks or anything resembling passion to anything other than him? Does a person have just a certain capacity of passion allotted to them and if used majorily on one activity or one person, there's really none left to distribute to others?

Anyway, I haven't wanted to even blog about anything going on in my life or in my head because I'm scared. To give you a feel, here's a text that my BFF sent tonight about what's been going on and what is going to/could happen tomorrow, next week, months from now:

Just acknowledge that you are heading into a storm and I guess it'll be okay, but remember you always have the power to walk out.
Previous texts of hers were of her conceding that this may kill me, but that she'll be here when it does. And though this is the most terrifed I've ever felt in my life because I'm basically knowingly walking steadily towards my doom, there is a level of comfort that I'll at least have her to pick up my shattered pieces at the end.

1 comment:

  1. I've been feeling exactly the same - still "here," but... barely... going through the motions.

    The funny thing is that for me, my state of mind is not 100% guy-related. Sure, I'd be slightly more content to engage in a few mildly stimulating dating activities with a mildly stimulating hot man, but at the same time, I have no desire or energy to do that. I doubt I'd feel that flash of sparks or anything resembling passion, as you put it, with any guy at this point.

    At least your fear can let you know that you're alive. I feel numb... hence why I don't even feel scared anymore. I just simply don't care. I keep thinking about an older post I'd written about "indifference." Maybe I'm just in utter denial, after all.

    What I DO want to believe (and don't feel remotely numb about) is the idea and hope that life has so much more to offer... that we are in charge of our own life and it is our duty (as human beings) and entitlement to find something beautiful in it, no matter how slight. In the words of Elizabeth Gilbert in "Eat, Pray, Love:"

    “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life."

    "A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave."

    "A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”

    I think you have the power to walk out of the storm, Mizkay.