Worlds apart

I'm currently sitting here looking at GoogleMaps to see just how far my friend and I will be driving tomorrow to reach our destination for New Year's.

Is it just me who finds maps amazingly fascinating? I live in the metropolis of a southern state in the US and like most other urbannites, I tend to live within my own bubble and forget that other people, cultures, and lifestyles exist beyond a 30-mile radius of me. But ever since I started seeing Dr. Shark--who lives about a hundred miles south of me most of the year--it's made me become more aware of the rest of the region around me.

I mean, truth be told, it's not like there are golden treasures to be found or captivating social studies to be made among the citizens or land outside my city... honestly. It's trees. And dirt. And farmland. That's it.

Nonetheless, I like looking at the map of my state. Well, used to like, at least. I liked looking at the bold print of my city's name and zooming into the familiar neighborhoods and streets and feeling like I'm actually flying over them, and then zooming back out to let my eyes drift down, down, down to the smaller, less prominent name of Dr. Shark's town. I liked recalling my most recent drive down those two-lane highways and passing that particular fruit stand or creek, finally reaching that happy house of his. I liked being with him in a safe small place, in a bigger unfamiliar place, within my own home state, which I've realized I haven't explored thoroughly enough.

Now though, as I'm looking at this map that I've happily stared at countless times over the past few months, I'm feeling pretty sorrowful. My city's name is still there, big and bold as ever, and I see his town where it always is. But now, all I can really focus on is that other name, a little bit more south and west, and in bigger font, where he'll probably move to in a month or so. And be with her. Because even further west is her town... And they want to be central in between his and hers... To be together.

"For the baby."

Playground riddles may have taught us that "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in a baby carriage," but that's never real.

To be real, it goes: First comes lust, then comes love, then comes break-up, then comes break-up sex, then comes break-up for realz, then comes rebound, then comes baby, then comes shacking up, then comes love again.

And then... No more me.

Still here... barely

Like so many others that I read about in articles or blogs, talk to in person, or hear about from others, I've been feeling such a disconnect from everything. I'm absolutely capable of being functional at work, around my friends, around my family, keep a clean house, play with my cat, even go out for social functions when the occasion calls for it... But I just go through the motions. I do things like shower everyday, go to work, respond to texts, and put a smile on my face so as not to raise any red flags that something is, or something could eventually be terribly wrong.

Why can't I feel a flash of sparks or anything resembling passion to anything other than him? Does a person have just a certain capacity of passion allotted to them and if used majorily on one activity or one person, there's really none left to distribute to others?

Anyway, I haven't wanted to even blog about anything going on in my life or in my head because I'm scared. To give you a feel, here's a text that my BFF sent tonight about what's been going on and what is going to/could happen tomorrow, next week, months from now:

Just acknowledge that you are heading into a storm and I guess it'll be okay, but remember you always have the power to walk out.

Previous texts of hers were of her conceding that this may kill me, but that she'll be here when it does. And though this is the most terrifed I've ever felt in my life because I'm basically knowingly walking steadily towards my doom, there is a level of comfort that I'll at least have her to pick up my shattered pieces at the end.

Peering over the edge

Sometimes, it's really hard to be truthful and honest with oneself, especially about the choices we consciously make.

I started this blog not only to have a place to organize my thoughts and adventures, as well as a place to vent and ramble sometimes, but mainly it was to make sure I always stay honest. Most of these things I don't even want to talk about with my friends, nor do I want to put a lot of thought into myself. But I do need to make sure it's recorded here on the principle that I face my choices. I can't hide from them... I can't look away forever.

I'm not proud of a lot of things I decide to do, but aren't we all like that? We all make stupid decisions sometimes. Maybe they can be actual mistakes or maybe they're made with absolute confidence despite us knowing we may regret it later.

Right now, I don't think I'll regret this. But after it happens, who knows? Life is a learning process. We gotta keep things interesting. ;)