Worlds apart

I'm currently sitting here looking at GoogleMaps to see just how far my friend and I will be driving tomorrow to reach our destination for New Year's.

Is it just me who finds maps amazingly fascinating? I live in the metropolis of a southern state in the US and like most other urbannites, I tend to live within my own bubble and forget that other people, cultures, and lifestyles exist beyond a 30-mile radius of me. But ever since I started seeing Dr. Shark--who lives about a hundred miles south of me most of the year--it's made me become more aware of the rest of the region around me.

I mean, truth be told, it's not like there are golden treasures to be found or captivating social studies to be made among the citizens or land outside my city... honestly. It's trees. And dirt. And farmland. That's it.

Nonetheless, I like looking at the map of my state. Well, used to like, at least. I liked looking at the bold print of my city's name and zooming into the familiar neighborhoods and streets and feeling like I'm actually flying over them, and then zooming back out to let my eyes drift down, down, down to the smaller, less prominent name of Dr. Shark's town. I liked recalling my most recent drive down those two-lane highways and passing that particular fruit stand or creek, finally reaching that happy house of his. I liked being with him in a safe small place, in a bigger unfamiliar place, within my own home state, which I've realized I haven't explored thoroughly enough.

Now though, as I'm looking at this map that I've happily stared at countless times over the past few months, I'm feeling pretty sorrowful. My city's name is still there, big and bold as ever, and I see his town where it always is. But now, all I can really focus on is that other name, a little bit more south and west, and in bigger font, where he'll probably move to in a month or so. And be with her. Because even further west is her town... And they want to be central in between his and hers... To be together.

"For the baby."

Playground riddles may have taught us that "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in a baby carriage," but that's never real.

To be real, it goes: First comes lust, then comes love, then comes break-up, then comes break-up sex, then comes break-up for realz, then comes rebound, then comes baby, then comes shacking up, then comes love again.

And then... No more me.

Good riddance, 2011

I don't know about y'all, but I'm totally ready for the new year to start. Aching for it, actually!

Yes, I'm one of those folks who wistfully believes that when midnight strikes on a spankin' new calendar year, things can and will be different. It's all about a fresh start, a clean slate. Of course, it's also all in your own individual minds and souls, and some may argue that you can consciously choose for a new beginning at any moment in your life. But something about New Year's brings hope to my sometimes hopeless life.

At least there's still opportunity for hope, right? Even if it's just once a year!

Last year, I brought in the new year among strangers, in a strange city, while my best friend was tangled up on the couch with her then-ambiguous-hookup-guy-now-husband.

Yes, BFF is married now.

She eloped on Christmas Eve Eve.

Can we talk about that in another post though? I think I've gotten over the initial shock, but I may still be too fragile to talk about the girl that I've known for over decade--the one who decorated my school locker every year for my birthday, and passed notebooks full of giggly, emotional notes about boys and glitter ink with--who is now a married woman. (To a guy I don't fully approve of. Ouch.)

Anyway, back to my point, last New Year's was pretty horrendous. I was all dressed up prettily and surrounded by people I could have been socializing and laughing with, but I had never felt so alone and miserable. I was still stuck in the bowels of my break up with J(erk), and still letting myself think about him during once-in-a-lifetime moments such as the first midnight of 2011, even if it was clear that he wasn't thinking about me.

I should've known that most of the moments following that one would be just as lonely, miserable, and confusing, seeing as how the year started.

What is it about fireworks that seems so magical?

That's why I want the first midnight of 2012 to be different. I need this year to be different! My thoughts will most likely still be consisted of a large concentration of boys (though about Dr. Shark this time), but my setting will be different. I don't want to be surrounded by drunk, wild, sketchy strangers. I originally thought it would be safest and smartest to sleep through it all in the comfort of my own bed, but even I know that's kind of depressing since I'd always made a point to celebrate NYE big and proud.

I'll be driving to the coast with just one girlfriend in tow, and we'll toast champagne while watching the fireworks over the pier. She's had a rough year, and you all know that I've had one as well. We've both leaned on each other for support when our hearts felt too heavy to bear, and I know that I would be honored and happy to spend a quiet New Year's with such a friend as her.

So, here's to a new beginning, y'all. I hope that however or wherever you spend yours, that it brings you peace, happiness, and the opportunity for a fresh start! Sometimes we all just need the opportunity.

And the claws are out

Today, I woke up angry.

So inexplicably and overwhelmingly angry--in a tornado of rage, if you will--at the man that made me fall in love with him and is now gone, awaiting the birth of his future kid with his ex-girlfriend. He's supposed to be smart... How could he let something so stupid happen?

I know it's pointless to be angry and even more pointless to hate everything baby-related including babies themselves, so I've made myself not think about it if I can help it. But if you wake up in this manner, there's not much you can do about it. I did everything I could to distract myself from misery and enjoyed the autumn day with friends, but the anger and despair were just too potent. So while there was a smile on my face, I was dying on the inside from a painful migraine.

I never get migraines so I felt like a whiny little wimp, but I think it's finally starting to wane. Does that mean the rage is dissipating as well? Probably not. I haven't heard from him in over a week, not since he left my house after fucking me... Maybe he'll finally be forever gone now.

Just a brief.

Sorry for not posting in a while. My week has consisted of drama, silence, confusion, paranoia, jealousy, bouts of depression and anger, longing for sweet sweet death... Ha, not really, but you get the picture.

I'm not inspired enough by anything to write.

I feel like things will continue on this bleak path for a while longer. This has definitely been the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but my life up until a couple of years ago (when I started actually dating men) was never, ever this dramatic. I always watched and supported my friends through their heartaches and strife, but never was I one of the players.

This has been making me learn more things about myself... but they're not necessarily good things.

I just want the pain to be over.

The-Day-After Analysis.

I've had an entire day to wonder about my actions with Ace yesterday. What's done is done and there's not a damn thing I can do to change it, so I didn't laboriously suffer with guilt or regret for too long. I just wanted to get to the bottom of my decision to actually say yes to him coming over after all these months of rejecting him.

When I texted him an a-okay to hang out after work, I was in the mindset that there actually might have been even the tiniest glimmer of hope that he was telling the truth; he had been trying to convince me to let him come over by saying that he wanted "to talk about us" and he "missed me" and even though he's been afraid to commit that he "really likes me a lot." I didn't feel the same way, which is surprising for me, but sometimes a girl likes to hear shit like that... even from a guy she doesn't see as worthy and especially when she's been feeling lonely and neglected.

Dr. Shark has been too preoccupied with work and wanting to be a loner to call or text me much this week, and when he has it's been half-assed and unemotional.

I don't condone what I've done. Technically I'm available to see whomever I please and to my knowledge so is Ace (although honestly I don't know much about him nor do I care to know), but in my heart I feel like I've done something wrong. There's no way I can tell Dr. Shark about it... Even though he wouldn't be able to justifiably "dump" me for that, I'm sure hurt feelings cannot be avoided.

And I'm terrified that those hurt feelings would be enough to alter my universe entirely.

I'm so angry at Ace for putting me in this situation and I know that even he feels that it wasn't right. Afterwards, he saw me blankly staring at the ceiling above my bed and he asked what was going through my mind. I must've looked really conflicted for a guy like that to want to know my inner thoughts!

Me: I don't know. I guess I'm feeling a little guilty.
Ace: Oh, because of your guy? There's no reason to feel guilty. Guilt's a stupid feeling.
Me: So you never feel guilty?
Ace: Sure, I do. Right now I feel guilty because I feel like I talked you into doing something you didn't want to do.

Gee, thanks. Thanks for acknowledging the fact that you went into this knowing that you'd basically be twisting my arm!

I can't blame him completely though. While the surface of my brain thought that we'd just chill and talk and catch up after all these months, a couple layers into this twisted mind and you'd find a girl who consciously jumps into the shower half an hour before his arrival to shave her legs and freshen her body. On this level she knew that he'd try to pull a move and she at least wanted to be prepared and presentable.

I never want to see Ace again.

On another note... Haven't heard from Dr. Shark in a couple of days and I'll be damned if I text or call first. Last week he mentioned maybe trying to hang out again before I leave the country for a couple of weeks, but there's less than a week for that to happen.

His birthday is in a few days and I ache to celebrate it with him. But all I can do is drop a humorous, casual card in the mail tomorrow so maybe it'll be delivered the day of. Even with our distance, both literal and this week's lack of communication, I want him to know that I care deeply for and about him but I want to appear that I'm still that cool, sexy chick that he met months ago. My biggest flaw is my tendency to need more than average attention... but I'm trying to fix that!